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Blogs by Byron Edgington
Traveling Light 4/23/2013 6:19:26 AM
The TSA line, and assorted musings on air travel. The sequestration furloughs and delays are upon us it seems, so I’ll take the opportunity to pass along a few tips and inside stuff from my aviation career that may help get us through the TSA line faster, and improve the overall flying experience. When I flew tours on Kauai I encountered some of the same delays and snags found at a modern airport, albeit on a miniature scale. As I boarded my passengers, they were often overwhelmed with rules, prohibitions, directions and information. A motivational speaker once told me, ‘A confused mind always says ‘No.’ The tour pilot’s snarky translation of the motivator’s comment was, ‘tourists leave their brain on the Mainland.’ Ungenerous though it sounds, there’s an element of truth to it. (For an example, see Chapter 26 of The Sky Behind Me...)
In an airport terminal, a situation filled with confusing imagery, signage, audiovisuals and official herding, our confusion level and our ‘No’ instinct can be very high indeed, as it was on Kauai for my tour clients. So remember these items next time you herd through the TSA line: Get there early. There are on-line delay info resources that can help, but an hour for domestic flights and two hours for internationals should do it. Leave the knives at home. I know, people shouldn’t have to be told they can’t take weapons on board a commercial flight these days, but we Americans always seem to need something close by that we can whip out either for protection or sustenance. Never know when you’ll have to peel an orange or skin a bear, ya know? Speaking of sharp stuff, minimize the piercings if you can. That tongue ring may be just the thing that gets you yanked out of line. Wear comfortable shoes. Those knee-length lace-ups that take thirty minutes to untie? Not on the flight, okay? Loafers and sandals are the ticket. And for our religious or follicly-challenged friends, the headdress can be a problem. You can wear it, but it could get you pulled aside, especially if it’s loose fitting or big enough to hide a small child or other encumbrance. You might get frisked. Just saying. Find a clear plastic envelope thingie, tie a string to it and wear it like a necklace with your ID inside. It saves a bunch of time and can spare the embarrassment of losing a driver’s license, boarding pass or other ID. Stow the coat in checked baggage, because coats are always subject to imagery. Don’t wear a belt with a metal buckle. No belt at all is better. Take stuff out of your pockets, all of it, even the pet rock, especially the pet rock.
While we’re on the subject, be kind to the flight crews. I admit that my past career in aviation makes me a bit sensitive here, but I’ve seen enough rude passengers to last a lifetime. Flight attendants do a superb job with not much room, help or time. Enough with the whining about slow service, lack of pillows & blankets and meager snack items. Get over yourself. Besides, flight attendants aren’t exactly the young, agile, fly all day party all night set any more. Average age these days for a flight attendant is 55. Consider the pilots, too. Sure, they get to ride up in the pointy end all day, but they’ve scraped and scrapped to get there, and they are, by and large incredibly well trained and competent. They rarely get lost, seldom crash and they all value their own hides at least as much as we do, trust me on this. There’s a reason it’s truly safer today to fly than drive, an item I passed along to my skittish passengers. The air transport system itself is remarkable. The fact that we can step aboard a metal tube with (reasonably comfortable) seats, a cylinder that takes us four miles high, travels at 500 miles per hour in warm, safe, pressurized ease, plus don’t forget those cute little bottles of Southern Comfort, then deposits us at our destination with little fanfare with a little squeak of rubber on asphalt, and then takes us home again none the worse for wear, if perhaps with no more pet rock, is nothing short of amazing. Give the aviation folks a break, will’ya? Maybe even say thank you? Just saying. Oh, and one more thing: watch your language. Jokes about bombs and hijacking and TSA people laughing about low-res images of your puny private parts? They’re not laughing, just astonished, and they really frown on that ha-ha stuff. Just saying.
