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Blogs by Joseph W. Montaperto
LA VENDETTA 2 - A HEARTWARMING CHRISTMAS TALE 12/25/2019 9:55:06 PM
So, it’s real early January in the winter of 1976. There’s this guy- his name is Shankel ( that’s his last name) who lives on Gordon Street in Roselle, NJ. Yeah, I find this guy to be a bit of a dick, y’know? I mean, he’s on my paper route (Yeah, I had a paper route when I was 16 and even 17, The Star Ledger, cuz I got sick of sweeping up hair at Mike’s Barbershop), the guy NEVER answers the f***in’ door when I’m collecting, I ALWAYS have to go back again to get my money - and when he does finally open the door, he has this perpetual scowl on his face - for no reason I can think of. Never says anything to me. So Christmas comes, right, and this freakin’ mook not only doesn’t give me a Christmas tip, he stiffs me - yeah - gives me an envelope with a Christmas card - NOTHING in it! Nothing - swear to God! Can you f***in’ believe that?! This guy has to get it now! After Christmas, people throw away their dead Christmas trees by putting them out in front of the house and waiting till the DPW picks them up. So, one frigid night, me and my cousin Skinny see his dead tree lying in the little grass part in front of his house - and we get this simultaneous idea. We pick up the tree, wedging it between his wooden front door and the screen door in front of it... then ring the doorbell.We run like hell, and hide in the bushes across the street. Of course when Mr. Shankel opens his front door - the Christmas tree falls right into his face, and it's so big it fills the whole doorway, So he literally can't move or escape - he's cursing and yelling - can't move - And he's got all these dry pine needles in his face.
Meanwhile, we're across the street - and we are DYING, man! Skinny's laughing like a crow (like he usually does), and I'm cackling too. Shankel finally extricates himself from the Christmas tree and he is f***in' furious! He comes running across the street after us like a freakin’ raging bull, and all - he’s threatening to kill us! Skinny sees this and jumps over a nearby fence. He's yelling at me - “Hurry up! Hurry up! Hop the fence! - This guy’s gonna kill you!” But I’m on the ground, I mean, I'm laughing so hard - HAHAHAHAHA! I can’t breathe, man! TOO funny! The guy is just about to grab me - when in a last ditch effort - my cousin pulls me over the fence, ripping my coat sleeve, and SMASHING down on the cement hard winter ground. Right on my arm. Blood is oozing out of my jacket sleeve. I go from laughing to crying in a second. Shankel, frustrated as hell, is cursing and cursing - threatening he'll kill us if he ever sees us again! But we keep running - and laughing. Hey, at least we escaped! Happy Holidays everyone!
