Is it irony when a fundamentalist Christian hands me her bootleg DVD of "Passion of The Christ"? Maybe movie theft isn't going to weigh heavily in the afterlife. I mean it's for a good cause, right?

Three of her relatives asked me separately if I saw the movie. Each had that glint of hope in their eye. This movie was a faith-affirming experience for them; how could I not be moved?

I told each of them I had seen it and instead of asking me if I liked it they assumed I did saying, "It was good, right?" or, "Wasn't it great?" Something along those lines.

My answer, simply was, "No."

And with that, I got frowns. I got walls to climb. I got teary eyes, in one case--like I'd mortally wounded the woman. I tried to explain why it wasn't a good movie. The best response I got was a gruff, "Oh." And then I was ignored. The worst response I got was a lecture on Jesus and an impromptu Bible study class. (I was asked to read Romans 8-10 for some reason.)

So please--I know I'm late to this controversy--but please, hear me out on this. "The Passion" is not a good movie, it's a poor movie--objectively, not personally--and it's for a reason EVERYONE missed:

The movie is in a dead language. We are far too forgiving of foreign language films because we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if they look idiotic, it might be our fault; something smart might get lost in the translation. Besides, most likely, Roger Ebert told us it's a brilliant, intricate portrait of human relationship--and so we think there's something wrong with us when movies like "Betty Blue" actually suck more balls than the lead character.

Mel Gibson's "The Passion" has been hailed as a work of genius and derrided as a work of anti-Semitism. I'll answer both of these charges:

GENIUS: There is some excellent cinematography going on and because of the brutality, it's a far more interesting film than the more controversial, way more boring, "Last Temptation of Christ." But genius?--nope. In fact, if you were to stretch out the last 20 minutes of "Leathal Weapon" to two hours--that's what this film is.

ANTI-SEMITIC: Tough call. The Jews are basically Klingons in this movie, with no realistic emotions about anything other than hatred. But ditto, the Romans. In fact evey character in this movie, including Jesus/exempting Pilate, is so two-dimensional that I don't think it's fair to paint this movie with the anti-Semitic brush when what's clearly going on is a steamroller of shitty scripting.

This brings us to why the movie is objectively bad. Everyone outside of Pilate is two-dimensional. The Romans and Jews are psychopaths with a confounding bloodlust.  The devil keeps popping up in crowd scenes to remind of his/her/its presence and ultimate control. Now, either the devil is controlling the actions of the Jews and Romans--which would explain why they are all two-dimensional psychopaths, being under some hypnotic spell of the devil--or the script eats my ass. Dead language film; hard call to make.

...Or is it?

If the devil is controlling things--the devil made them do it--then Jesus really has a beef with the devil and should die for his/her/its sins. I mean, how can we help sinning if we're being controlled? NOT OUR FAULT!

If true, right there the script falls apart and we've got a stinker movie on our hands. But a fallen Catholic friend whose opinion I trust explained to me how the devil is influencing them but not controlling and so Jesus is our way out of that influence--or something to that affect, I wasn't really paying attention. So okay, we're still left with the glaringly Klingonian 2 dimensional characters. If the devil isn't making them behave that way then someone is--Mel Gibson. Or the writer. Or both.

The real devils.

Now as I said, this friend loved the movie. He defended everything in it to a point. He thinks the guy who played Pilate should get an Oscar nod. So when I pulled the big reveal on him like I'm about to do now, he was flabberghasted. He had to rethink everything. He knew he had been wrong about this movie all along.

And now...the reveal....

As I've stated needlessly twice, "The Passion" is in a dead language so it's easy to miss the nuances that signal a bad movie. Throughout the flick, Jesus is beaten, tortured mercilessly while extras from Central Casting goad his tormentors. The tormentors themselves relish in their work. Everyone is laughing, having a grand ol' time ripping the flesh off Jesus' back for two hours. In a dead language this may look poignant. But let's see how the same scene WOULD DEFINITELY play out in English:

EXT.  THEATER IN THE ROUND - DAY

The crowd, still thousands strong, hoots and hollers as Torturer #1 lashes Jesus with a studded chain. A swath of flesh tears from the soon-to-be savior's back. Jesus grinds his teeth, refusing to call out for mercy. Torturer #2 laughs heartily at his partner's handiwork.

Torturer #2

          Yar, matey! Hit him again!

Torturer #1

           Ha-ha-ha! I shall! I shall! Ha-ha-ha!

Jew Voice From Crowd #1

                             (chortles)

           Ha-ha! Kick him! Beat him! Ha-ha-ha!

Torturer #1

                                (beats Jesus)

            Ha-ha-ha-ha! How do you like them apples, Savior? Ha-ha-ha!

Jew Voice From Crowd #2

                                  (snorts)

              Ha-ha-ha! -- Fuck him up!  --  Ha-ha-ha!

Jew Voice From Crowd #3

                                    (does taxes)

                Ha-ha! Beat him, yes! YES! Get him! Teach him a lesson he'll   never forget! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jew Voice From Crowd #4

                                      (banking)

                    Get 'em a bodybag! Bwhawhawhawhaw!

Torturer #1

                                         (winds up pimping hand)

                      So, Savior:  Ha-ha! You ready to feel a world of pain? Huh? Ha-ha! You ready for what I got?

Torturer #2 

                         Ha-ha-ha-ha! Make him walk the plank! Ha-ha-ha! So to speak!

Everyone laughs. Jesus prays for their souls. Devil walks through crowd, winks at Jesus. Jesus finds this all disturbingly homoerotic and is glad to have married Magdalene when he did. He hopes his seed was planted and his bloodline survives. He is self-actualized and so knows there's no such thing as a savior--that's silly. His message got all twisted up for political reasons. He can't wait for The DaVinci Code to be written and set people straight.

END

***

Okay, I editorialized a bit there at the end, so sue me. But you get the point: In English, this would be seen as a shitty pirate movie. No one would give it a second thought. With this in mind, watch it again and see if it's a good movie. Or if you haven't seen it yet, don't bother. Go see "Dawn Of The Dead" instead. It's a better take on the same theme.