Going into last night’s debate I didn’t expect much battle.  I expected Monkey to toss his poop and Frankenstein to groan monotonously through cold, stiff lips.  I’m one of those uber-liberals, you know?  The kind that believes calling oneself “liberal” only ever means “teller of truth; seeker of justice; just the facts, ma’am, the facts,” not all this pinko commie crap Right Wing blowjobs used to call us—and certainly not the Right Wing blowjob the Democratic Party has morphed into. 

I do not know the lyrics to Kumbaya and I don’t want to legalize marijuana under the guise of “medicinal purposes.”  I just want Uncurious George tried for crimes against humanity.  Is that too much to ask?  I just want his entire administration hung by a noose woven from the spaghetti skin of Henry Kissinger’s scrotum.  Is that out of line?

I just want to live in a free country where I don’t have to fear that writing a line like, I just want his entire administration hung by a noose woven from the spaghetti skin of Henry Kissinger’s scrotum, is a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.

But that’s just me. And as just-me watched the debates, I fully expected Frankenstein to cave in to the gentleman’s way of niceties and nothingness.  I expected to hear middle-of-the-road conservatism fake an opposing dialogue with fascism.  I expected Al Gore.  Thank the god that speaks to Monkey, I got Howard Dean…if Howard Dean took a shit and out plopped something that looked remarkably like Abe Lincoln.  A Lincoln Log, if you will, injected with Botox.

Yeah, I fully expected Monkey to be Monkey, for consistency is the only thing he does not lie about, and Frankenstein to be a lemming, jumping off the same cliff the Democratic Party has been diving from since 1992.  Alas, my to be was not to be.  Yes, Monkey was Monkey even though he rehearsed looking less simian the week leading up to this debate, but anyone following his work knows that he, a dry drunk functional illiterate, could not possibly have ninety seconds of thought on any given subject.  He was not placed in power to be a thoughtful president; he was put there to “look like you and me” while oil/military men from the Dark Ages enacted their vision for the world as laid out in various proposals by a murky think tank called PNAC (Project for The New American Century).

If you are not familiar with PNAC, please forget the rest of my article and go here:

http://www.crisispapers.org/Editorials/PNAC-Primer.htm

That’s WAY more important than anything I have to say.

For the rest of you, here’s the rest of this….

Monkey was Monkey but Frankenstein was something else…presidential? Liberal?  An oppositional force?  He actually won me over.   Me, the guy who would (still) rather see a man like Ralph Nader screw up the country than either of them.  I must have been suffering from the soft bigotry of lowered expectations because I’m pretty sure I had to rub my eyes last night like characters do in bad movies and cartoons—I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  I know I had a hard-on.  Frankenstein said everything I wanted him to say—needed him to say—short of, “Your administration set up the 9/11 attacks and is tearing down America because we cannot have democracy and a one-world corporate government, right, Mr. President?”

That’s okay, though.  How would Monkey have responded? “Uuuuuugggghhhh…pfft…They hate our freedoms…It’s a hard job! … Uuuuugh…  Can’t trust someone who changes their position…  Oo-oo-ah-ah!”

Frankenstein had his moments of dumbed-down bravado and white male gonad speak, but let’s face it:  he can’t just look like a diplomat when so many of our citizens really are uninformed troglodyte slaves to television.  These are the people who appreciate Monkey’s occasional biblical paraphrasing yet may be swayed by the fact that he’s shorter than Frankenstein.  Their vote counts too; in fact, if Karl Rove and Jeb Bush get their way, these people’s votes will be the only ones counted.

I cannot wait to see what happens when Frankenstein wins this election.  He will win, there’s no doubt in my mind.  All of these polls that show Monkey ahead are a total fabrication—all of them.  The reason is that the people polled are “likely voters,” which means a pool of people who voted in the last few elections, who are willing to answer pollsters.  Missing from this list are the scores of newly registered voters—mostly people who are voting for the first time just to get Monkey out of office.  Minority registration is up 250 percent; college students are acting like college students used to, participating in our democracy in a way Reagan thought he destroyed.  Contrary to media spin, Americans are far more liberal on substantial issues than not—it’s just that we’ve been so disenfranchised, we never bothered to vote. 

But Monkey is a uniter, not a divider.  The whole disenfranchised thing just doesn’t fly anymore.  This is not politics as usual.  It’s not like when I despised how Clinton moved the Democratic Party to the right, inadvertently paving the way for the Monkey Movement, or when Bush, Sr. went into Iraq the first time, wooing Saudi Arabia and others with doctored satellite photos showing Saddam’s army ready to attack, and presenting faked stories of Saddam’s barbarism.  (Insert obligatory aside about how Saddam really was a tyrant, I’m not saying he wasn’t, it’s just that the stories presented to us were lies, here. Oh wait…I just did.)  You know what?  It’s not even like when Reagan acted his way through eight years of media consolidation, social program annihilation, and Iran/Contra scandal.  I’d take Reagan’s union busting to Monkey’s Patriot Act any day.

No, Monkey represents something more insidious than mere difference of opinion or harmful changes we can rollback. He represents death: on one level, the death of America for the birth of the corporate world government, and on another level, the suicide impulse of a mentally atrophied species unwilling to come to terms with its failed modus operandi.

Monkey must go for the sake of Man.  To that end, Frankenstein will be elected.  But will we know about it?  Will the elections be rigged?  We know Monkey’s team is doing its damnedest to steal the election again by redistricting Texas and implementing computerized voting machines with no paper trail in swing states.  But let’s say they don’t get away with it.  Let’s say Frankenstein wins, the media reports it, and FOX News doesn’t have the pull to change that outcome.  Monkey has done a lot of monkeying around the last four years.  Will he let it all go?  Or will something disturbing happen, say, a “terrorist attack” that staves off the swearing in ceremony for a month…two months…indefinitely?

Or is it simply a matter of monkey’s new mechanisms lying dormant through Frankenstein’s presidency to be reactivated by monkey’s brother when he steals the election in 2008?  If Frankenstein wins and makes it through his term and we Americans feel revitalized, will we grow lethargic again?  Will our fifteen-second attention spans pave the way for Brother Monkey to steal back the Oval Office?

These are not conspiracy theories, folks, these are best-case scenarios. 

Someone get daddy his Prozac.  I’m like you: I want to feel happy again.  For now, I do.  Watching Frankenstein be more than the dull monster I expected has done this for me.  Monkey said last night that we were on the mountaintop looking down into the valley of freedom.  I want to know what the mountain is made of and why we’re not in that valley.  Frankenstein seems to want us to scale back down that bloody mountain.  And we will, provided no one cuts our line.