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Blogs by Michael J Hayutin
The Village AWOL 8/21/2008 1:51:46 PM
How to uphold community standards when you feel no one else cares. American families connected by shared community values, standards and sanctions enforced with enthusiasm, free of parental guilt and fear of lawsuit was the bedrock of behavioral control in days gone bye. Parents were allied with neighbors, shop keepers, law enforcement officials, schools, religious institutions and medical professionals in a joint effort to transmit and uphold rules of decency and law abiding behavior. They formed a team enforcing a common set of standards. The rules applied to everyone.
I know that this idealized American village was never perfect and often had weak links. There were however enough parents and community allies who did work together to effectively enforce community standards in an imperfect but positive manner. You could be relatively confident that if your kid got into drugs, acted in an indecent manner, took advantage of a girl, committed vandalism, or even cursed around adults or little children that someone would report the violation to you. And when that neighbor informed you, your anger was channeled into discipline imposed on your child the offender, rather than your neighbor who make you aware of your child’s misbehavior. The community standards were clear. That did not mean that there were not many offenders. But offense was most often met with punishment and at least the offenders knew what was expected. The power of a community working together was profound. Ones feelings were placed on a level below community standards. At least the vast majority knew that their immediate society would hold them accountable to a system of rules and consequences when rules were broken.
One may argue the degree to which this village of shared values infused every community in those somewhat romanticized times. But one can not argue that the evidence of similar villages is few and far flung today. Without a village of shared values a conscientious parent’s backstop has been removed. Our job as parents is far more difficult. Kids who smoke dope, drink, vandalize, engage in adolescent sexual conduct, use rude language have little fear in terms of community sanctions. When parents enforce standards they are often classified as corny relics of a quaint past. It can get lonely.
I live in a rather affluent community where the test scores are high and university attendance is expected. Unfortunately the scores are not the only things that are high. Despite anti-drug week, health (sex) education and every other non academic addition as a regular fixture in the classroom since kindergarten drug use, promiscuity, foul language, drinking and cheating is endemic. I recently discovered at least one reason for the disturbing behavior. A whole lot parents are not particularly upset by any of these behaviors. Yes they will give lip service to standards. But in terms of sanctions for the young offenders in their family, there is a gaping hole of inaction. Privileges go undiminished. As long as the kids have achieved the grades necessary to go to university these other issues carry little weight. Regularly smoking dope is only an issue if grades plummet. Those of us who try to hold our ground find ourselves searching for allies.
Just know that there are others like myself who will support your efforts to hold our kids to those old fashion standards that include no drugs, no cursing, no drinking, respect for young ladies by young men and young ladies for themselves. I am writing this because I know how discouraging it has been for me at times in the past. So I want to be there for those who will gain some measure of uplift knowing that I am out here and giving them an enthusiastic high five of support. If it helps, send me a note. We can support one another. At least we can form a cyber village of like minded parents who value the concept of that old fashion supportive village. We can try to create a cyber village that helps us stay the course when so many others are AWOL.
