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Blogs by Joseph W. Montaperto
A HORRIFIC CATERING EVENT 1/7/2020 7:26:33 PM
Thrill to the glory and the horror of one fateful catering event!!
Trapped! For as long as I can remember, I've always had this feeling. Suffocated. Smothered. Sometimes, it's all I can do to not jump out of my skin - and catering can really magnify this condition.
There are several people, however, by the sheer nature of their OWN manic energy, can trigger this mania in me. Chris Hiljak is one of those people.
Horrifyingly enough, me and him are bartending, together, on the same bar. Grave mistake by the captain for pairing us together. GRAVE.
Anyway, we're doing this event at The Astoria Museum of Moving Images for the coolest catering company I've ever worked for - Jaded Waiters. We're working the bar, me and Hiljak - and we are getting HAMMERED, man. On the specialty cocktail of the night. Vodka infused with peach herbal tea, or something like that. Not long after - we are OUT OF CONTROL. Madness. Cracking up at everything - in the zone.
"Man - I just wanna go f***in' WILD, man - go down to the Amazon jungle with, like, like - a freakin' bone in my nose - and shoot poison darts at white people!!
"UUMMMBBAAGGGA! UUMMBBAAAGGGAAA!!!
Suddenly, Hiljak grabs a straw from the bar, peels off the paper on it, rolls it into a spitball - and SHOOTS it out into the crowd!! The PRESTIGIOUS crowd. Big museum donors.
UUUMMMBBBAAAAGGGGAAA!!! UUUMMBBBAAAAGGGAAA!!! He cries out in wild abandon.
I quickly follow his lead, shouting the UUUMMMBBBAAAGGAAA!! mantra. Each hit met with gales of laughter. This must go on for, like five minutes. Seriously. Finally, Hiljak sets his sights on the HEAD client.
Gets ready...aims...FIRES!
At this very instant, the captain, Mark Goetz, strides into the room. JUST in time to witness the ensuing horror. POOF!
Now - it's as if everything morphs into a kind of bizarre slow motion...his eyes light up in disbelief and desperation. He sprints toward us - the trajectory of the spitball headed directly towards the client's neck!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
It's like that scene from 'The Bodyguard' where Kevin Costner dives to block the bullet headed towards Whitney Houston onstage at the Oscars.
The spitball finds the client's neck - everything quickly returns to the real life pace. Incredibly, the client doesn't suspect us. Mark Goetz, all color drained from his face, turns to us - incredulous.
"WHAT in God's name are you two thinking?!"
"THEY shot at us first!" Retorts Hiljak
