JOHN LENNON LYRIFICATION PROJECT: "A Spaniard in the works", adapted by Joel Sattler

A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS

[from "A Spaniard in the Works" adapted by Joel Sattler
from a chapter in A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS by John Lennon] 

 

Jesus El Pifco was a foreigner
Imigrateful Barcelover
A good thirsty year ago got a handy job
As a coachman coming over

He worked for the Laird of McAnus
A canny old tinny old man
Who came from a place in the Highlads
And lived in a castle in Scot o'land

The first thing that Jesus did notice
Was the Laird had no coach of any discription
Or even a coachhouse you know this
Much to his dismabelambition

But, and I use this word lightly
The Laird seemed to have some good horse
Each one sporting a fine set of legs
And Jesus fell in love of course

As they did with him which was lucky
Cause he lived in the quarters above the stables
Alongside his noble four lepered friends
So he worked them as well as he was able

He groomed them almost every day
Whistling a quaint Spanish refrain
Brushing their manebits and hammering teeth
Dreaming of loved wombs back home in Spain

"A well pair of groomed horses I must say"
He'd remark to the wee Spastic Sporran

Who was ever the flighty chamberlain
Whom he'd eyed ever since Hogmanose began

"Nae so bad" in her sliced Aberdeen
She would answer in accent martin
"More time wi yon horses thee
Spend more time with them than with me"

Then storm back to her duties she
Tie her chastity negro to her skim
A good Catholic Jesus wiped spit from his chin
And turned the otha chees

But she had gone leaving him small
In a Agatha of christy and all

"One cave she wolf to go too farther and I wolf leaft her"
This he said to his fave rave horse,
But the horse of course didn't answer
To the garlic breath fascist stinking yellow bastard

They soon made it up howevans
And Jesus and Spastic once morphia unitely
In a love that knew no suzie
However you find it unlikely

The only thing puzzling Jesus was
Why sugerboot didn't like being called "Spastic "
No wonder how ever upon, you see
Turned out that her real name was "Patrick"

"Ye musna' call me Spastic my dear
Whilst my friends are here
Jesus ma boonie wee dwarf",
She said irragated but near

"But I cannot say Patrick me tartan bag"
He replied all herb and angle inside
She looked down at him through her curly warts
Lovingly with tears in her eye

"But Spastic means cripple in English
And ai'm no cripple as you well known!"
He said "This true but I didn't realize
Me being a foreigner grown."

He rambled on till Patrick slowly
bit off a piece of his bum
Then lifting her face upwarts
Said in a voice filled with emulsion,

"Can ye heffer forgive me Jesus, can ye?"
She slobbed as he looked at her strange
Then taking her right foot slowly
Said something in Spanish again:

"Parreesy el pino a strevaro qui bueno
el franco senatro!' he said
which rugby transplanted means "If you've green braces"
Which most fortunately she did.

They were married in the fallout,
with the Laird's blessing of course,
he also gave them a 'wee gifty'
which was a useful to their bottom lawyers.

It was a special jar of seaet ointment
made by generators of his forefingers
to help get rid of Patricks aabs which
She'd unluckily caught from the linger

Of the Laird of McAnus himself
at his late wife's (the late Lady's) wake.
They were overjoyced, and grapenut abun
and beyond the call of duty's sake.

"The only little crawlies wanted are babies,"
quipped Jesus who was quite a sport and all.
"That's right sweety' answered Patrick
reaching for him with a knowsley hall.

"Guid luck to you and yours" said the Laird
"God bless you sir" said Jesus quick
harnessing his wife with dexterity
that only much practice can perfect.

"Come on me beauty" he whispered as
he rode his wife to the East Gate at a steady trot
"We mustn't miss the first race" he said
She broke into a gallup said "Not likely not"

The honeymood was don short
by an elephant from Mrs El Pifco his mother
who was apparently leaving Barcelunder
to see her eldest sod febore she died laughing other

and besides the air would do her good she added.
Patrick looked up from her nosebag and giggled.
"Don't joke about Mamma please if you donlang,
she are all I have loft in the world little piggle

"besides your mother's a bit of a brockwurst herselves
And if she's still alive when she gets here
we can throw up a party for her and then
she can meet all our ugly Scottish friends"

"How'ere on the whole other handle
we can always use her as a scarecrab
in the top field" said Patrick so practically.
So they packed their suitcrates marked as

'his and hearse' and set off for their home
in the highlies. "We're home Sir' said Jee
sus to the wizened old tartan figure
knelt crouching over a bag of sheep.

'Why are ye bask so soon' inquired the Laird,
tecognizing his own staff through the years
"From my Mammy I've had some bad jews
she's coming to seagull if sir its all ripe with you"

The Laird thought for a mumble,
then his face lit up like a boiling wart.
"You're all fired' he smiled and went off whistling.
The end. [Now, that wasn't so hard!]



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