Nickel Ante

It was a journey; always is. It took me back
exploring, in search of meaning – meaning…
was there a purpose to my dawn?
Life’s a gamble, I like to think.
When it doesn’t work, play your hand again.
Or was I so mistaken, my reasoning awry?
Is it instead a plan? Unchangeable, inflexible,
meant to be what it always was, no new windows
to open, no doors, no gaps for new light to spill
its freshness into this room, these walls –
always the same… the same rancid, cliché
patters in my brain, that time, and time again
point to debit -- debit! Where’s the gain?
Death is the inevitable outcome of birth,
that much I do know. But what comes in between
is the total sum of who you are,
so they say… so they say… and I ask:
Have I dealt all my jokers at once in
this game of penny ante – no more kings
or queens – dealer takes all…
nothing left – lost it all, but a shiny nickel --
better play it right.
I stare at the nickel slot. It stares back.
Waiting for me to take my last chance
to live, to do it all again, do it right this time!
My hand trembles, my face beads with acrid
fluid – it smells of fear: if I lose my shiny nickel
I know now death is near.
Suddenly, the lights go out.
Jet black darkness all around, and that silence,
that silence – broken sharply by a growling sound:
“Hear ye, hear ye, play your nickel! Take your chance!”
Then there's music… an old carousel going round,
and round, losing speed, strident, discordant sound.
“Hear ye, hear ye, play your nickel! Take your chance!”
In darkness I feel for the slot... my nickel… my nickel…
I hear it drop -- clonk, clonk, clonk, it goes in the dark.
I know it is death that wants me. It had been my desire
to end in peaceful sleep this life of naught.
But something woke me from this wicked dream:
I heard my nickel sound clonk, clonk, clonk
in the hollow of my mind.
A sign emerged from that darkness. Blood, red letters flashed:
“ACCESS DENIED”
And the growling voice spoke again:
“No death, no such,” it gasped,
“while there’s still hope in your foolish little heart –
take your lousy nickel – better luck next time.” 

Carmen Ruggero .2003