Each morning I wake up and step on the scale. What will it say today? A pound less equals success, a pound gained means complete failure.

Once again I step on the scale, the number is too high. I go to my room as I start to cry.

Can’t I do anything right? Why haven’t I lost this weight yet?

“I must stick to my fast.” I hear myself say. I go to work hungry and feel I am on my way.

The lack of food began to take its effect. I am tired, slow, and irritable. I drink more diet soda, the 0-cal wonder. I repeat over and over in my mind “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.”

And I will be thin.

I stand in line at the store, looking over the small amount of food that should last a week or more.

“Meal replacement, diet, low cal, fat free.” If the labels do not have those words, then it cannot be for me.

The cashier looks up with a surprised look on her face. “These pills are not for you, right?” She asks, holding up the diet pill case.

“No, of course not.” I say with a small tight laugh.

I go home and smoke the last cigarette of the day. I wonder and worry; tomorrow what will I weigh?

If I loose a pound that will be a step towards success, but if I dare gained, that will mean I have failed once again.

A new plan comes to mind, a 24-hour fast will make up for me being so behind.

My mind is filled with thoughts of that number throughout the day. People ask what I am feeling, but I do not know what to say.

No one understands the way I am. If they did, they would never say such hurtful things. “Don’t eat that, it will make you fat!”

Don’t you know I already know that?

27 lbs lost so many more to go. But then what? Will the weight loss even show?

“Your are thin, just eat something. Why won’t you eat?” Asks the same people who always said I would get fat.

People’s words hurt so much, can they not see? Is it not obvious what their words are doing to me?

I drink a glass of water, take another pill. If this does not work, nothing ever will.

I cut out the foods one by one, I no longer remember times when eating was fun.

What was is like to eat and not give it a second thought? I look at food and see the numbers. If the calories are too high, it will make me fat.

NO NO! Anything but that!