I Have an Amazing Girlfriend

I have an amazing girlfriend,
Who lives somewhere in middle America,
And she keeps saying LOLs and OMGs,
While she talks to me for hours
On the instant messenger
Or on telephone, talks and talks
Until I really get tired of her
And want to hang up the phone—
She says, Alex baby, whoopy,
Doopy, doo, and she hollas and
Drips perfume across the Mississippi,
And I say, what’s going on hon?
Because I can’t figure out what
Exactly she is calling me for,
She must think I’m terrific or
Something, a chip off the old block,
Maybe she thinks of me as some Chip
Or Ray, I don’t know—

I just know that she is amazing
Because she purrs like cat and
Talks sexy on the phone about
Shopping for that amazing slip
At Victoria’s Secret lingerie sale,
And I just want to get drunk
Because I don’t want to hear about it,
But she will tell me her amazing story
Anyway, whoopy, doopy, doo, Alex baby,
Let’s get it on, let’s turn on and tune out,
Let’s black out and talk about all
That is beautiful in our lives—

I have an amazing girlfriend,
Who lives in a dream of perpetual
Narcissism, and frankly I don’t want to
Say anything because I feel retarded
And I don’t get along with her friends
And I don’t want to come out shopping
And she doesn’t even turn me on,
But she is so amazing when she says
Absolutely nothing and it’s raining,
And the morning paper reports another
Killing in the stock market
Or in the parking lot—

And I don’t understand American women,
Talking on cell phones, looking for picture
Perfect husbands and to take care of children,
That they dream of providing with some
Perfect childhood, and I just know
That I’ll fuck it all up
With my un-American values and
My who-gives-a-fuck attitude,
But I have an amazing girlfriend,
Who lives somewhere in middle America,
And I’m sure she is waiting for someone,

But I’m sure as hell not the one.


  March 8, 2007
--Alexander Shaumyan