The King of Trash Poetry

If Howard Stern were a poet,
he’d probably make lesbian jokes
and talk about strippers, Hooters girls,
porn stars, tits ‘n’ ass, and anal sex—
anything to shock or to titillate,
and I’m sure that his books would sell
not so much because of the quality
of his writing, but because it’s Howard—
the famous TV and radio personality—
the shock jock and the entertainer,
appealing to the lowest common denominator,
making lesbian sex and fart jokes,
as they would all laugh their asses off.

If Morton Downey Jr. were a poet,
he’d call his critics “slime” and “scum buckets”
and blow smoke into their faces,
while he’d read his latest rant about liberal
“pablum pukers” who tax and waste
the hard-earned dollars of the American taxpayers.
Yes, he’d wrap his ass in the American flag
during one of his readings and tell some
Iranian or Arab in the audience to kiss it.
He’d shout, yell and interrupt,
and his stupefied audience would love it,
yelling: “Mort! Mort! Mort!” over and over,
egging him on to be more outrageous and insulting.
He’d accuse his competition of being child molesters
and dope dealers or the elitist “pablum puking”
liberals, who are out of touch with the average
hardworking Americans.

Yes, if talk show hosts and celebrities were poets,
they’d set new standards of ignorance,
obnoxiousness and sensationalism,
while their voices would roar on radio and television,
and poetry would once again enter the living rooms,
kitchens and bedrooms of the average citizens—
irreverent and ludicrous—
yet trashy enough for mass consumption.


  October 9, 2003 
--Alexander Shaumyan