THE BALLAD OF FACEBOOK

(a musical in the making) 

by Sara L Russell 26th Jan ’23 at 21:19

Introduction

Oh babes I feel so bored, what can I do?

I think I’ll go on Facebook for a few…

Part 1: Flakes and Fakes

Like me like me

go on and like me

‘cause I’m fluffy 

and I have a new book out

‘cause I posted 

a photo 

of myself as a kid

when I had a rather fetching pout

I’m far more fascinating than you’ll ever know

look, here’s my back lawn when it was buried in snow

here’s a lunchtime selfie of my latest dish

here’s me next to some old photoshopped bitch

Oh but there’s a blonde strolling by the Tiber

with her two perfect little blond boys

A golden sunrise smouldering behind her

You can almost smell the spices, hear the noise

Ya this is me walking like a tiger

by some Indian river, with the boys, 

Oh I think someone just told me it’s the Tiber

The smell was like, much grosser than the noise.

But ya thanks for the comments, all my darlings

My likes have rocketed to fifty K

I’ve traded up, flamingos for the starlings

And I’m having awesome nookie every day!

For all the nobodies never make my heart bleed

For I have a blog they never bother to read

Part 2: Catfish and Chips

Like me, like me

be smart and like me

‘cause I have everything 

your kitchen needs

You look like a munter

more than likely 

‘cause your mud pack

dosesn’t have Nigella seeds

We’re making greater riches than you’ll ever have

by making romance pitches to some lonely chav

And if you don’t have Bitcoin you can buy it here

Just invest and watch your savings disappear

Oh but there’s a lonely heart playing poker

She’s ripe to be groomed for romance

She wants a king, but here’s a joker

we’ll lead her on the merriest dance

Ya this is me sailing on my dinghy

Ya I love you, even though you’re ninety three

The customs officer’s trying to sting me

Please send me forty smackers urgently

Oh they don’t give a monkey’s if you’re sad or bereaved

Tell it to your bank and you will not be believed …

Part 3: Cool and Uncool

Like me, like me,

someone like me,

my kids don’t even

post here for a laugh

maybe ‘cause when

they were very tiny

I posted photos

of them in the bath

So when did they decide that it was so uncool

to comment on a parent’s photos, as a rule,

To ever dare admit that they belong to me

Since when’s it cool, to disown your family?

Yes, this is Ken and I with Auntie Mary

The younger ones all scampered off to hide

Maybe they find TicToc somewhat less scary

than Facebook, with the oldies by their side.

For now girls of eighteen are giving Botox tips

And twenty-three year olds have silicone-plumped lips.

Epilogue

Like me, like me

Go on and like me

Some people never learn

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