Allieah Angel

My darling daughter you left me too soon, even though you lived 28 hours,

 most of the time spent together was when you were growing in my womb

I was waiting so patiently for my little girl,

I couldn’t help but smile feeling you inside me as you twisted and twirled

 You were growing so strong with each day that passed,

but then I got hit and we were losing you fast.

The blow to my stomach was the reason of your demise;

I knew that he hurt you as the tears filled my eyes 

If I was not beaten for the wrong I’d not done,

 you would have been healthy and survived the day you had come.

I felt the pain of labor as you were trying to get out,

we tried to stop the contractions and wait a little longer,

 they could have saved you if you were bigger and a little bit stronger.

When the medicines failed and the time ran out,

 the doctors explained that you were not going to shout,

you would be limp and purple and as small as a pear,

 that you wouldn’t be breathing and your one layer of skin may tear.

Your insides could be exposed and your brain may implode.

They explained that they didn’t want me to see the gruesome thing that would be coming out of me.

The labor was quickly coming along and then you came out and I remembered something was wrong

 Then I thought it was all just a dream,

although you were small you let out one hell of a scream.

I was farther along than they thought and a glimmer of hope was finally sought.

You were not supposed to be breathing on your own and we soon found out that I would end up all alone.

Your breathing started to become shallow and heartbeat sped up.

The machines that were monitoring you, just wouldn’t shut up.

They took you out of the room for what seemed like an hour,

and then I got the news that would strip me of all my super mommy power.

 The doctor saw the damage that your had sustained and tried to keep composure as he tried to explain,

there was a major blood vessel in your brain

 that was damaged by the blows of the shoe from the monster who put me to blame.

 He had fractured your skull and there was a big indent

 you could see it better on the x ray he showed me I just stood there frozen.

The vein was leaking blood out of a little hole and because you were so little operating on you was a definite NO

He told me that you would never survive a surgery because you were so small,

your body would not be able to handle it at all.

 The alternative was to see if the blood in your brain would clot

 so they gave you some medicine it looked like a lot.

Some hope still shined as we waited a long time,

 they put you in a machine to show me your brain and put in some pink fluid so they could see the drain.

The blood was not stopping it didn’t look good;

your fate was sealed so I spent as much time holding you and talking to you as I could.

They didn’t expect you to live as long as you did,

but you held on strong and tried to fight a battle you couldn’t win

I knew that your birthday was three and a half months away,

but still you had to come into the world that day.

”she might have had a chance” I heard the doctors say,

 if I was not beaten like I was the other day

They all tried so hard to keep you alive, but I guess mommies love just wasn’t enough,

god had already decided that it was your time.

 At least I got to meet you and hear your first cry, before the blood in your brain made you die.

As you lie there in my arms after you lost your fight,

 I know you tried hard to stay away from the light. 

But you are different from all those other babies that lived

because you are my baby and loved enough to go to heaven before they did.

 You heard mommy’s voice and the beat of my heart

 and you will always remember that even though we’re apart.

All those other babies that got to live… They have their life; they grew up and get big,

but you are so special because you’ll never make all the mistakes they did.

I remember what it felt like leaving the hospital empty handed;

I am now one of those mothers that feel she is branded.

Never able to listen to the sound of her healthy baby cry

 or be able to sing you your special lullaby.

I miss you so much and I hurt every day knowing my baby is so far away.

As the days have passed and turned into months;

 it seems like a dream and the home you’ll still come.

My heart has been broken I have cried all my tears: I can still feel the pain after all of these years.

I will never see you when you first learn to walk or hear what you say when you first learn to talk.

 There are no pictures of you on your first birthday,

or memories of when you messed up your lines as you starred in the kindergarten play.

What did I do wrong to lose you so suddenly? Did the lord think I was too young for a mommy to be?

 I was not a seasoned mother and knew all the difficulties I would face being a single mother,

but I would have learned because I loved you and you loved me too

I would do my best to teach you right, and I would have read you a story every single night.

 You would have all the great qualities a little girl brings and you would learn all good morals and be able to sing.

I would be a single mother and work hard, I would be many jobs so you would be healthy and smart.

 I would have taken the parent classes and dealt with your tantrums

 and parade around with my new baby, you would have tolerated it maybe.

I know I was young but I hope he saw through how happy I was to be the mommy of you.

 I still cry sometimes when I think of your sweet face and how you would be running all over the place.

You were so perfectly built, ten fingers and toes and your tiny cheeks were tinted of rose.

 I wish you were here with me more and more everyday and when have learned my life's lessons, I’ll be on my way.

We’ll finally be together again, please meet me at the gate, you can show me all the things that make you great.

There are still things I don’t get, and I probably never will, but I always think about it, why he had to kill.

I don’t think I will ever understand why the lord took my daughter right out of my hands.

I can’t figure out why god is picking on me, Why did I have to be the mommy who lost her baby?

I know that you are safe and watching me from above, and you are up with the great grampa you love.

All of my family members and beloved animals that have past are up there with you and you having a blast.

So my worried thoughts can start to mend, I will continue my life and when I die I’ll get to be your mommy again.

~mommy~

 ©Breanna Martel