There are times when I think back to all the
Hell I have been plunged into. In all these
years, I have pushed and pushed, testing the
waters … and the limits … of everything in
life.

No more doctors …
No more pills …

Please!!!!!

If only I could be someone else, a person with
stability. Sometimes, I wonder if I am merely
just a failure. For I even failed at putting an
end to my own life … on more than one occasion.

This roller coaster ride that I’ve been strapped on
for life, an invisible straight jacket hinders my mind.
I can remember that last time … I want to go back
and do it right! Yet, all I can do is sit here and cry.

I want to be free!
Free from this mind!

I break down in silence, alone in the shadows
with no comforting arms to grant me solace
in the middle of the night. Must I walk this path
alone, with no family to listen?

I’m shunned by them …
I am blamed for their own problems.
They’d be better off without me it seems.

Now, see these scars? They crawl up these arms.
My badges of courage as this war wages onward.
Reminders, not so distant are they, that linger upon
this flesh. I long to fix the TR … for that is what
I am. The Rejected. This flesh is so weak and my
soul worn so thin.

I scream at the world, but I’m not heard.

I hate this place!!!

Let me die in peace, please. Then maybe I might
sleep peacefully, even it suicide is a sin. But, then,
I wonder if it would be just as much of a curse to
be dead. Another living nightmare, just walking
along the other side of the road. I’d still be alone,
well, perhaps not as much as I think I am. There
would be others of course. Souls wandering eternity
in this terrible nightmare.

I just want to be loved for me, and not blamed for
everyone else’s problems! I must be strong, for I
am still here amongst the living, even though I’d
rather be six feet under.

It calls to me, the sharpest knife in the kitchen. Its
voice soothing and its touch cool against the flesh.
If only I could listen to this voice! But, I push the
idea aside … for the time being.

I’ve learned to walk this path alone, with aching heart
that races in palpitation. Anxiety breathes such rampant
emotions. It is the first step to the wheezing … a cascade
affect that rolls downward until I could possibly give
into the delusion of happiness.

I sit there, quietly, with tears in these eyes, hoping beyond
all hope that maybe one day I can walk into the light and
not be confined to this mental straight jacket. Long ago
I learned to go it alone with no family to comfort, no other
soul to hold whilst I cried myself to sleep.

I still cry, for the tears are all I have to bring sweet release.

Trapped within this body, not wanting this flesh any longer.
Why can I not leave this world behind? It offers me nothing
but lingering pain and torment. I want to be locked inside
my mind with what little imaginary friends I’ve found. Let
me become lost within the conversations that have been held.
Shout away the demons that incessantly condemn me inside.

Am I really not alone?

Yet, I hold myself in comfort, longing for soul’s freedom
to give wings to this desolation so that it might lift all
the shadows from my dreams.

I reach out in hopes that you are out there. I know that I’d
not be blamed for your own afflictions. Kindred spirit that
sings softly upon the winds, please hear my whispers. I know
not the joys of comforting arms when I stumble and fall. I
walk this path alone, perhaps parallel. Yet trapped within
this box of glass in which I drown from tears that rain down
upon me. If only you could take a hammer and shatter this
prison cell. Life made sure I didn’t have one, as it locked me
inside this living Hell.

In my dreams I imagine being held, with no heavy sighs
that ensue after the rolling of eyes. No condemnation
from a soul who walks the Hell that places boulders upon
the path to cause us to fall asunder haphazardly.

Perhaps together we could climb the ladders to reach stars
that twinkle in the night. Dance across the Milky Way
and swim in the mists of nebulas until morning’s comforting
light.

I can’t go this alone and no one else can hear my pleading.

Maybe tomorrow I can drown within these tears, as I smile
happily in hopes that no one can see the anguish I swim in.

I’m just a ticking time bomb, waiting to blow.