I.

Before the first words formed on our lips
I loved you. As if there had been no yesterday
without you and would be no tomorrow
should you ever leave my presence,
I loved you. You filled every
breath, infused me
with an invigorating
chill, lit a flame
that cannot be
extinguished
within me.

During the most glorious spring of my life,
that came as rust-colored leaves spiraled in winds
of letting go, I discovered, quite by accident,
a pool of promise, waves of lapis lazuli
that licked an eternal sky of turquoise
perfection. Deep in the ocean
of my heart, I found
hope and saw truth
reflected. And
then I knew
I loved you.

When days turned difficult and I did not know
from one day to the next whether you would lead
me gently through your strength or lash out
at me, forget the meaning of your middle
name and become fiend instead
of friend, when it all
came crashing down,
I cried, but only
because
I loved
you.

After the last day, when ticking watch hands
lined up vertically and the witching hour had come
for me, even as I waved to you
as you held my son as
they took me away,
even after you
betrayed me
with whispered
assurance,  
I loved
you.


II.

The proof laid out before me now:
document after document delivered straight
from the frozen inner circle of the hell
you must have lived in then…
I know the one who spewed
such venom, coiled around me
in circles of confusion
was not you. And
I weep,
because
I love you.

I need not try so hard to remember
sudden sting of your angry words; I cannot
forget them. Your voice hisses at me in dreams
as it did when you struck me down,
intentionally or not, with
reckless, random phrases
that seeped like poison
through to my soul.
But I know this:
you are no serpent,
and I love you.   

I am not the girl I was when first taken
by your charm. Nor am I the woman who saw
herself reflected in your eyes. I am
neither, but both and more.
I’ve grown older, wiser,
and I tread carefully.
I’ve walked many
seasons alone.
I wait to walk
with you.
I love you.

Where you wounded me, waters
of forgiveness rise and immerse me again
in hope. I am no fool, and I accept
the words you have said and
those you have not, for these
are the words you wish
me to hear. And I wish
now for you to know,
to feel it deep
in your bones:
I love you.