Today I drove, reluctantly, into 
the lion's den of memory, forced by Spirit
and this city's perennial improvements
of its intersecting web of roads straight
to the heart of the matter and the
city wasteland I am ever seeking
to escape. I retraced my steps,
unwittingly, passed through

checkpoints

where I was held at gunpoint, 
metaphorically, or not seen at all
by you. I sat in traffic near The Office,
then pulled in to the bank, not realizing at first
it was the same one where I came so close
to asking you did you not remember everything
as me or whether it was all was hidden to you.
Later, I pulled over at the point on the highway

circling back

to where I followed the leaf that day or 
perhaps the feather into the fray, traipising 
into six lanes of speeding traffic, defying 
momentarily God's call to be here with you,
protected nonetheless. Then driving back
the other way, I passed the point where
my mind stopped my heart from saying
all the words I wanted to say and then 
there was coffee and twenty years

of confusion

filling me up, spilling out in my tears
for the years. I drove by the restaurant 
where you changed hats like nobody's 
business, apparently thinking you had some
answers for me, believing perhaps you were
being of some assistance. At last I rounded 
perimeter's curve, but Siri said I had to turn north,
along the same forsaken highway I traveled then

every day,

remembering the one day after finally
being granted privilege of your presence
to present what you commanded I create
alone — some bridge back from your imagined
impasse, though again my efforts fell far short
for you. That evening as I drove through 90
minutes of sludge in a sea of cars to make it
to my child an hour late, having paid the $80 fine...

I collapsed

so tired of ever carrying the load of all
we were meant to birth, ever pregnant with 
this pain. Thankfully, Siri gave me an out
and I took an exit. But, having arrived early,
due to some strange time warp and the winds
of angel wings humming telling me somehow
you are near in body, I drove to find a drive-through:
McDonald's... of course it was the only place 

near and far

away again I flew. I tried not to think
of all that came after that last meeting,
for I know every bit of it was for my healing.
I even tried to think of some way I could have
not kept this promise to God, but I could not.
So I sat and considered where I'm at 
and what possibly I could do that I have not
already done to move on and up and out

into great beyond.