All those years ago
when I gave up playing the role
in which you and others so willingly cast me
and threw off all the clothes I never wanted to wear
in this life that only served to cloak me
in some hope of protection,
after I had cried the torrential river for two years
and then succumbed to being struck mute
and forced to hear, receive the Word of God
that is my sustenance, the bread of life
and living water that sustains me,
there came a moment of clarity when I 
laid down my silver sword of light
and asked only to be healed. 

Surrendering everything, 
I asked God to gather up whatever whirlwind
it might take to remove all that was in the way.
I prayed that all my idols might fall or be seized
complete. I stopped trying to put mysefl in
what seemed to me to be "the right place"
or "the right time," which usually meant
to my heart anywhere in the vicinity of yours
in whatever dimension I traversed.
I got down on my knees, for hours or days,
even months at a time. I waited, 
sitting Job-like in the ruins and shambles
of all the towers crashing and the life that
seemingly never came to be.

And when the debris 
was finally swept away by the deluge
and there were the wasteland years,
when all day everyday all I could hear 
was the echo of my heart's cry for some friend,
some safe place to lay my head, I returned
to all the only true things—to the One
as reflected in Spirit when I walked
again in the garden with him
or knelt before the throne,
as reflected in Truth and
my abiding love for you.

I took communion in nature
and learned to trust life in every moment, 
letting go of the things of this world 
that had never been my home anyway
and finding solace with the birds of the air,
the lilies of the field. And one day I was happy.
Heaven came down as it rose from my heart
with the dawning realization that all things 
are possible and true things rise up in the time
ordained long before our presence here.

Before me now, from within my green-field heart,
rainbow roads spiral out in every direction,
and I see that all roads will lead me home.
When I meet with obstacles or lay down in  the rain,
still saddened by the loss of the one I treasure
most of all as true friend, it is only to rest and regain
my strength, for I know God will lift me up
amd I will walk on, for this is the journey
my soul came here to make. When I think
you or any other cares not, simply because
you are missing in action in my life, I pause
and remember that you and they are ever-present
in the infinite field of expanding love and grace
and I am held there eternally,

Seen for who I am there, if not here,
I am preparing the way for my heart to see
with new eyes here and  lead my life with love.
I no longer know where I am going but still
I follow, traversing the territory of the soul 
and the unpredictability of this life on Earth.
Some days I have no strength. Wandering
in circles or simply sitting in silence by the lake alone,
my heart retraces all the steps I have taken here.
But, like this poem, it flows on like water,
slipping from my grasp as do all those
I have most loved and longed for,
knowing and trusting all the same
that you are with me,
have been always
on the way.