Here I sit with words silenced by my fingertips.
Looking into that pale void...faint flickers behind the screen.
Longing to find words to sooth your soul. To make you think...
Crafting those words that shake you to your soul's very being.
Ah, sweet words...my tools. Not always weapons were they.
They stirred life in faint dust trails dancing just above the page.
The naive heart of a poet... I never thought for once
that my muse with wither... that my muse would ever age.
I've sat silenced for years. Coughing instead of rhyming.
No more verses eased from my fast typing hands.
No tales of love, heartbreak, loss or redemption.
No adventures in far away and magical lands.
38 years old and sitting here hating myself.
What I wouldn't give to make you feel again.
I wish my muse would stop with her nonsense.
Even if my inspiration is only my own pain.
One day, I hope to again move you
With words sweet upon your eye.
I just wish to find my voice one more time
Before my muse whispers it's time for me to die.
Lori Maynard, 10/17/17
Now, the time is 9:46p
Total post creation time: 9 minutes
EDIT:
10/18/17
I have an incurable illness called Gastroparesis. Though it isn't fatal itself, its complications are. I do not drink coffee and I cannot eat/drink many items because of my bad stomach (it doesn't work right). I suffer every day. It is literally slowly starving to death and there is no cure. Not even a treatment. Many sufferers pass in their sleep...many younger than I. So, this poem is true . I have lost all inspiration after already being in a writer's slump prior to my illness striking me down 2 years ago this month. Now, I'm always in pain. Always vomiting. My blood pressure is too high or too low and the same with the heart rate. Dysautonomia as well and it's just an ugly bag of hot mess and I'm just waking up every day now and wondering when that day is going to come that I do not wake up. I just wish to find the voice that I have lost. The passion that I have lost and create works that I once had. I'm not going to have much to leave to this world when I am gone. Would love to become a poet people study in high school and get their interpreations all wrong until the point that 1 poem becomes immortal LOL
If you would like more information regarding this disease (which can be caused by diabetes, abdominal surgery/injury, bariatric surgery or idiopathic...meaning no known cause) please visit www.gpact.org
Doctors know never little of this illness and it as greatly misdiagnosed. Best to catch it early before it gets in the severe stage like what happened to me. Most people think they have endometriosis or IBS and they do not.
Classic red flag symptoms:
feeling full after 1 or 2 bites of foor or no appetite
vomiting undigested food
stomach pain after eating / bloating
unexplained weight loss / weight gain.
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I'm so glad you posted the edit. While I don't understand the disease or the complicated symptoms and inability to cure, I believe I can empathize.
I was paralyzed in surgery when I was 20. After I was fortunate to leave the hospital five weeks later walking, but with shriveled arms and hands, I began to notice that, while I still had a very good appetite, my gastrointestinal system was not the same and never would be… Starting with lactose intolerance and then becoming other things. Twenty-five years ago I had to go on a bowel program to keep myself from bloating and other problems. In the last five years changes have been accelerating and now I have daily bowel problems that need to be attended to or I suffer greatly. Yet I am nowhere near death like you are at such a young age and have survived 55 years since my injury, far more than many friends like me who have died like Christopher Reeve.
I certainly hope that a procedure or cure comes along very soon like I wish for stem cell therapy to restore my spinal neurons and saves the day for both of us. In the meantime, write as much as you can about your carnival days until you can't anymore. We will understand.
Ron
You were created in Gods image.
He loves you more than anyone on earth can say.
You are beautiful in Gods eyes, a precious child of His.
You are really never alone, God is with you in the mist.
Before my faith in Him, I was numb and felt like I wanted to die.
But someone reached out to me, it was a miracle and I don't know why.
But someone cared enough for me to stop a life full of strife
Now I pass on the joy received that gave me hope and a new life
I really do not understand how God works I only know He loves me
It's the greatest love that's everlasting for all the world to see
Now I pray, "May the peace and joy of the Lord be with you Lori"
Amen