I know Mom
     now that a tube
     has been placed
     in my nose for refeeding

Starvation
    more than just an absence of food
    but an absence of family life
    absence of joy and peace and love

The helplessness of being safe
    maintained....to hopelessness
    I was so lonely I curled into a ball to sleep
    and medicated to unthinking

I tried so hard
    but I could not 
    reaching a plateau
    metabolizing again
    body working again
         but too much I cannot
         contain

And so today I surrender 
    to a tube
          flowing down my throat
    to feed me while I sleep
          adding the calories I cannot eat

It is NOT that I will not -
          it is that I cannot
    so much of my life
I have willed it differently
    accused of won't 
           and stubborness
    when my will was not in the way
    but my brain and body were

Invisible
    to those who are
          the knowers of all things
    I do not know
          judges of my life
full commitment until when?
    until where?
    until what?
who am I to go before a judge
    with my new nose?

I fear that sleep will never come
   the tube
        the feeling
            the noise
   I ask for prayer so far away
   Soothe me with your prayers
For once again we are close
    only in our hearts

I worry at night
I surrendered today mom
    was that right?

Please pray, don't stop
and please tell your friends.