Repentance       

To the God of Great Books: Forgive me, Father, for I have skimmed.

To the God of Vegetarians:  Forgive me, Father, for I have skinned.

TTGO What in Hell to do about Overpopulation:  FMF, for I have kinned.

TTGO Doughnuts and Potato Chips:  FMF, for I have thinned.

TTGO Evolution:  FMF, for I have finned.

TTGO Einstein and Other Great Minds:  FMF, for I have dimmed.

TTGO of Extremely Serious Ruminations:  FMF, for I have grinned.

TTGO Atheists (huh?):  FMF, for I have hymned.

TTGO Red Light Districts:  FMF, for I have primmed.

TTGO Overgrown Hedges:  FMF, for I have trimmed.

TTGO Julia Child and Followers:  FMF, for I have singed.

TTGO Cheap Two-Wheelers:  FMF, for I have Schwynned.

TTGO Sobriety:  FMF, for I have spinned.

TTGO People Who Find Me Taxing:  FMF, for I have chagrined.

TTGO Fresh Air:  FMF, for I have wind.

and finally, most desperately, fervently and redundantly:

TTGO Superlative Grammatical Rectitude:  FMF, for I have swimmed.

Amen, A woman, A child, A pet, A plant, A mineral, A mvegetable, A meverything

Please assign 100 flagellations a day with a very impressive (size matters!) home-grown organic carrot, a severe form of torture of which I was informed while vacationing in a weird constellation of North American provinces known as The Canadian Wilderbeest.

PS: As You know, I was raised Jewish, so I don't really know if I am talking to You or to a priest, nor what the inside of a confession box looks like (does it have nice decor, a hot-tub, and a Manischevitz-stocked bar?), nor can I pursue redemption without following it with kosher pickles, knishes, noodle kugel, chopped liver, and 400 diary-free desserts. I also don't know whether to cover my head and if I need to re-arrange my features to look significantly less Semitic. Thank you for your Holy Forbearance in these undoubtedly annoying, insignificant matters. 

julianza shavin 2009