And, still, I need to Believe...so I might learn to Love

Where do I begin, how do I begin?

Reconcile. Repair. Reunite.
my "three R'S"?...
this is not easy, not
easy at all.

Where is my/our? "Field of Dreams" ...

I'm lost, mom. I know you are too.
I feel like crying as I write this.
of course that does not surprise you.
you are the stoic.
I am the "crybaby".

sticks and stones...

          names CAN hurt you

This is not an indictment.
We both play our part,
and you must hurt about that,
inside, buried.

No, mom, this is not an indictment.
It's a love letter in a way.
to both of us

Why do we hurt each other?

Why do I hurt you?
Still, today, a grown woman
                   a grown woman, lonely, barren, why?
and still your helpless, strange...
child.
Oh, God, yes, Mom I'm still
your problem child?
         no children of my own, my sisters gave you Grandchildren, perhaps...perhaps that's a part of it all

God only knows how full of
problems your life is. And no,
it should not have to be that way.
YOU need a break, the Good kind...

if only we could just crossword-
puzzle solve together, that is
our one thread ... so be it.
the Sunday puzzle. It's become
a tradition. Do you remember
that years ago, you insisted
you could not do them.

I had to convince you that
you gave yourself too little
credit--
Have you ever known
how intelligent you are, ever?
I wonder still, today.

(The Sunday Puzzle ...
a pastime, an escape
how absurd it all seems,
yet it became something far
more than filling in little
boxes with words...)

You, eventually, secretly
tried and now, it's your
addiction/escape.
And it's our one good connection--
no static.
We like each other
when we phone-work/escape together
filling in those little boxes.

It is an obsession with me
as I want to be ready
for your call and good humor,
I want that connection to grow.

(Ironically, I somehow
did not consciously
remember Mother's Day
was nearing when I began
this, this --
Then it came. I suppose
a voice inside was calling?)

Happy Mother's Day?
I wish much for you it will
be...


                   And I dread That Day.
          selfishly, as I do not fit That Day!




I sigh and think that at one time,
you had a Life, a real one.
One you richly deserved, and
Mom, you DID earn a rest--
and a far better NOW life.

When you laugh, it is so
good.
And you don't much these days.


Please forgive me, mom,
(I write here somewhat hypocritically,
as I know our troubles are not over.)

I wanted, have wanted for years to
be your friend, I wouldn't accept that
this was not your way.
You and I can't change that, but--

                    I need to know what I can be.
          I need to know I can be Loved?!

Yes, "It's "all in my head".
and No...I don't know WHY!

Does it haunt you?
I worry that maybe you feel guilty
in some way.
It wasn't anyone's fault, but we all feel
blame/guilt...etc., i think.

Was it the Fall? The Time I ... ?
Why can't i say it, damn it.

The, the Freaking Breakdown. There, I said it! wrote it!
hitting the damned keys hard, hard!!!

Oh, God, I never came all the way
back. I know that!

I really didn't know how difficult
this would be. And that is more than
absurd, because I had to know...I
think I just so much wanted to write to you
about it, explore it.

We have to do
something, I have to
find a way before it's too late!
         that's a hard reality to swallow.

'If I build it, will you come?'

I love you too much for my own good.
You love inside, hard,
too much for your own good.
We are alike, but
so very different.
You don't like to show it.
and I need to see it.

I want to believe, I want you
to believe.

In miracles? No,
maybe...

It really is as though we want
our "Field of Dreams", yet we
don't seem to be able
to build it, you know?


'If you build it, will I come?'


This nightmare of
too many years.

And you did so much,
gave so much, mom, do
you know that, today?

And you went further, you
and dad.
You gave us a
gift, the best kind--

We learned to accept, to care
about others. That was your
greatest gift to us.


I treasure that
gift.

The sad coda to that is
not being able to use it
with each other. But,
in some ways, it is deeply there.

I hope.

*****

Life is uneasy, you are unhappy
your "problem child" is...wants to
grow--

I think she must plant a little
seed.

If I do that, it will grow with
me, if I nourish it and learn.


If i make a field of violets
for you, Annie,
will you see the beauty?
will you see your own beauty
and mine. Will I see?

It can happen, mom...
can't it?

We can perhaps walk along
the edge of this violet
gift I will have for
you, one day...

You need to see the bloom
the new color in your oldest
daughter who will be smiling
for you ...
and the green of our eyes
will glisten as the leaves
and will meet
and you will smile,
I hope...