Abandoned by familiar faces as I slip back into loneliness. Nothing succeeds this pain more than this bitter hungriness. I reach for you, I pretend you care wishing everything was charmed, instead I'm cursed by this happiness. So why do I feel so alarmed? Watching you abandon me, pretending that you'll come back. Truth is, we both know, I was fill-in for what you'd lack. If that was my role here, sobeit then I'll just subside this pain to wounds. Resolutions could come more quickly if being like this, I didn't jump to too soon.
Hurting like this is too familiar just like that different feeling I felt before. Nothing could have held me back; I wanted to keep giving you more. All I had asked for in return was nothing more than respect. When you wouldn't comply, I just denied; and this is the consequence I must accept.
I watch you smiling, as a tunnel caves; I watch you fading, because it isn't the same. I hear you laughing, as the sun fades; I hear my cries. To go back, I'm too afraid.
To love you, I must let you free so now I push you aflight. I watch as you spread your wings. Love never comes without a fight.
Open wounds chilled by the air of the winds from your wings that fly. Once more the only skin to heal me are the dewy tears that I cry. Piercing coldness waving through me, I accept this bitter pain. Abandoned once more in familiarity; abandoned in my own domain.
Copyright Brittany Renée 2004 All Rights Reserved.
i am not going to try to reinvent the motif and style of you poem ... all poems can always use a little tuning up but overall, i found this poem relates its points creatively and distinctly ...
Brit,
I have to say that I favor editing myself. However, when it comes to poetry I don't edit much and I don't advise much here either. Perhaps some punctuation to set off some of the phrases might enhance the piece but altogether I like it. Especially, the last three stanzas are particularly well written. J.
"Abandoned by familiar faces
as I slip back into loneliness."
I would make this image more direct by eliminating the preposition “as”:
Abandoned by familiar faces
I slip back into loneliness.
However, I might find away to vivify the language here by relying more on images to evoke the emotional tone of these lines, rather than using the word “loneliness.”
"Nothing succeeds this pain more
than this bitter hungriness."
“Succeeds” is an awkward word here and works against the line. I’d rework it.
“This” is used twice. Clunky adjectives are just that – clunky.
“Hungriness” would read better as “hunger,” although sonically it might not work well with “bitter”--you decide. However, “hunger” is leaner, more direct, starker.
"I reach for you, I pretend you care
wishing everything was charmed,"
Why does the speaker in the poem “pretend”? What is “everything”? “Charmed” meaning exactly what? Probe more deeply into the life of the poem to unearth its underlayers. This will bring more depth and emotional texture into the speaker’s voice. Stay with the emotional complexity at the root of the speaker’s feelings and allow for a bit of psychological untidiness to enter into the poem’s life. This will give the pain implicit in the work more authenticity.
"instead I'm cursed by this happiness.
So why do I feel so alarmed?"
Steer clear of rhetorical statements/questions (“So why do I feel so alarmed?”) and clichés (“instead I'm cursed by this happiness”)--anathema to strong writing.
Another “this”—“happiness” reads cleaner than “this happiness.” It just doesn’t need the extra weight.
"Watching you abandon me,
pretending that you'll come back."
Truth is, we both know,
I was fill-in for what you'd lack.
“Watching” and “pretending” don’t tell us much at all. A shift away from passive to active (I watch/I pretend) might be stronger, but it still lends very little to the poem. Needs further development.
Verb tense agreement: “I was fill-in for what you'd lack” should be kept in past tense: “I was fill-in for what you lacked.”
"If that was my role here, sobeit then
I'll just subside this pain to wounds."
There isn’t enough irony in this poem to successfully carry off these two lines without them sounding overly stereotypical; the victim motif is fine, but the predictable (contrived) language used in these lines does nothing to bring pathos into the poem or help the reader care one way or another.
"Resolutions could come more quickly
if being like this, I didn't jump to too soon."
What resolutions? Being like what? Didn’t jump too soon into what?
"Hurting like this is too familiar
just like that different feeling I felt before."
What “different feeling”? Lack of any poetic exposition here alienates the reader from the poem.
"Nothing could have held me back;
I wanted to keep giving you more."
These two lines are a reiteration of each other. One would do.
"All I had asked for in return
was nothing more than respect."
“Respect” is perhaps a bit too abstract for the emotional gravity of this poem. The speaker seems to betray her own feelings here, and the reader’s willing suspension of disbelief, by refusing more genuine disclosure and emotional range.
"When you wouldn't comply, I just denied;
and this is the consequence I must accept."
Denied what? When using “this” as the subject, ask yourself what you’re using “this” as a substitute for. When you pinpoint what that is, challenge yourself to embrace it lyrically, metaphorically, in the poem, giving it some space to breathe its voice into the work. “This is the consequence” is flatly linear, as in prose writing.
"I watch you smiling, as a tunnel caves;"
“As a tunnel caves” is an awkward image—needs further development.
"I watch you fading, because it isn't the same.
I hear you laughing, as the sun fades;
I hear my cries. To go back, I'm too afraid."
You use both “fading” and “fades” in these lines—rework one of the lines.
“It isn’t the same”--what is “it”? Do with “it” as you would with “this.” They’re dead words—avoid them as nouns when you can.
“To go back” to what? It doesn’t sound like the speaker really can go back, so if she’s been denied choice, why pose it in the poem as an option? You might want to dance with these lines for a while and let them spin you around the room, then re-engage the poem.
"To love you, I must let you free
so now I push you aflight.
I watch as you spread your wings.
Love never comes without a fight."
I’d find a less hackneyed way of saying this—the language and images are overused and tired. Find your own voice. Dig deep and take some emotional risks. “Aflight” is not a word.
"Open wounds chilled by the air
of the winds from your wings that fly.
Once more the only skin to heal me
are the dewy tears that I cry."
“by the air / of the winds”--redundant.
“by the air / of the winds from your wings that fly” is too wordy. (Note: if wounds are chilled by the air from your wings, then it’s unnecessary to say “wings that fly,” as the former implies the latter.
“the only skin to heal me / are the dewy tears that I cry”—awkward. To say, in effect, “skin are tears” is a mixed metaphor. I'd make this leaner. Often, less is more. Eliminate “dewy.”
"Piercing coldness waving through me,
I accept this bitter pain."
“Piercing” or “waving,” but not both in the same line. An active voice as opposed to passive might strengthen these lines: “Cold pierces” (“pierces" as a verb) is stronger than using “piercing” as a descriptive adjective for “cold.” “Cold” instead of “coldness” is bolder, more direct.
"Abandoned once more in familiarity;
abandoned in my own domain."
“in familiarity” is a bit awkward, although I did like the refrain-like cadence of these last two lines. The speaker feels she is being abandoned to (not in) a familiar emotional state, one she has visited before. You might think about developing more emotional texture here by using a few strong images that will bring the feeling tone of the speaker’s voice into the poem’s closure.
Thank you for the pleasure of reading and commenting on your poem, Bittany. Please feel free to discard any comments you don't find helpful. I wish you all the very best in your future writing and poetry career. Good luck!
WOW! You have some deep-felt emotions here. Who needs editing?! Editing his highly overrated! I'm in awe of this raw write! And, yes, I know so very well this "fill-in" role, which I've played before, more than once, I might add. Thank you for this write. -- Jeff
Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader)
Reviewed on April 16, 2004
Yes we can feel abandoned, angry, cry alot, but this is the healing process, sadly this happened, but one must be strong, as you're showing; for sake of two lovely sons, one can never replace the time spent with a son, if my ex had, had a girl I would have sent it back.
Keep on keeping on, press forward being a tower for your sons to look back upon, my gradma died when my mum was born, so he played mum and dad.
Join any group that helps, even if it's basket weaving, don't reamain in your domain, you have a life, you belated wants you to live it.
Inspirational poetry, written from the heart and soul. Verses that are well-suited for reading on a rainy day and that are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.
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I have to say that I favor editing myself. However, when it comes to poetry I don't edit much and I don't advise much here either. Perhaps some punctuation to set off some of the phrases might enhance the piece but altogether I like it. Especially, the last three stanzas are particularly well written. J.
as I slip back into loneliness."
I would make this image more direct by eliminating the preposition “as”:
Abandoned by familiar faces
I slip back into loneliness.
However, I might find away to vivify the language here by relying more on images to evoke the emotional tone of these lines, rather than using the word “loneliness.”
"Nothing succeeds this pain more
than this bitter hungriness."
“Succeeds” is an awkward word here and works against the line. I’d rework it.
“This” is used twice. Clunky adjectives are just that – clunky.
“Hungriness” would read better as “hunger,” although sonically it might not work well with “bitter”--you decide. However, “hunger” is leaner, more direct, starker.
"I reach for you, I pretend you care
wishing everything was charmed,"
Why does the speaker in the poem “pretend”? What is “everything”? “Charmed” meaning exactly what? Probe more deeply into the life of the poem to unearth its underlayers. This will bring more depth and emotional texture into the speaker’s voice. Stay with the emotional complexity at the root of the speaker’s feelings and allow for a bit of psychological untidiness to enter into the poem’s life. This will give the pain implicit in the work more authenticity.
"instead I'm cursed by this happiness.
So why do I feel so alarmed?"
Steer clear of rhetorical statements/questions (“So why do I feel so alarmed?”) and clichés (“instead I'm cursed by this happiness”)--anathema to strong writing.
Another “this”—“happiness” reads cleaner than “this happiness.” It just doesn’t need the extra weight.
"Watching you abandon me,
pretending that you'll come back."
Truth is, we both know,
I was fill-in for what you'd lack.
“Watching” and “pretending” don’t tell us much at all. A shift away from passive to active (I watch/I pretend) might be stronger, but it still lends very little to the poem. Needs further development.
Verb tense agreement: “I was fill-in for what you'd lack” should be kept in past tense: “I was fill-in for what you lacked.”
"If that was my role here, sobeit then
I'll just subside this pain to wounds."
There isn’t enough irony in this poem to successfully carry off these two lines without them sounding overly stereotypical; the victim motif is fine, but the predictable (contrived) language used in these lines does nothing to bring pathos into the poem or help the reader care one way or another.
"Resolutions could come more quickly
if being like this, I didn't jump to too soon."
What resolutions? Being like what? Didn’t jump too soon into what?
"Hurting like this is too familiar
just like that different feeling I felt before."
What “different feeling”? Lack of any poetic exposition here alienates the reader from the poem.
"Nothing could have held me back;
I wanted to keep giving you more."
These two lines are a reiteration of each other. One would do.
"All I had asked for in return
was nothing more than respect."
“Respect” is perhaps a bit too abstract for the emotional gravity of this poem. The speaker seems to betray her own feelings here, and the reader’s willing suspension of disbelief, by refusing more genuine disclosure and emotional range.
"When you wouldn't comply, I just denied;
and this is the consequence I must accept."
Denied what? When using “this” as the subject, ask yourself what you’re using “this” as a substitute for. When you pinpoint what that is, challenge yourself to embrace it lyrically, metaphorically, in the poem, giving it some space to breathe its voice into the work. “This is the consequence” is flatly linear, as in prose writing.
"I watch you smiling, as a tunnel caves;"
“As a tunnel caves” is an awkward image—needs further development.
"I watch you fading, because it isn't the same.
I hear you laughing, as the sun fades;
I hear my cries. To go back, I'm too afraid."
You use both “fading” and “fades” in these lines—rework one of the lines.
“It isn’t the same”--what is “it”? Do with “it” as you would with “this.” They’re dead words—avoid them as nouns when you can.
“To go back” to what? It doesn’t sound like the speaker really can go back, so if she’s been denied choice, why pose it in the poem as an option? You might want to dance with these lines for a while and let them spin you around the room, then re-engage the poem.
"To love you, I must let you free
so now I push you aflight.
I watch as you spread your wings.
Love never comes without a fight."
I’d find a less hackneyed way of saying this—the language and images are overused and tired. Find your own voice. Dig deep and take some emotional risks. “Aflight” is not a word.
"Open wounds chilled by the air
of the winds from your wings that fly.
Once more the only skin to heal me
are the dewy tears that I cry."
“by the air / of the winds”--redundant.
“by the air / of the winds from your wings that fly” is too wordy. (Note: if wounds are chilled by the air from your wings, then it’s unnecessary to say “wings that fly,” as the former implies the latter.
“the only skin to heal me / are the dewy tears that I cry”—awkward. To say, in effect, “skin are tears” is a mixed metaphor. I'd make this leaner. Often, less is more. Eliminate “dewy.”
"Piercing coldness waving through me,
I accept this bitter pain."
“Piercing” or “waving,” but not both in the same line. An active voice as opposed to passive might strengthen these lines: “Cold pierces” (“pierces" as a verb) is stronger than using “piercing” as a descriptive adjective for “cold.” “Cold” instead of “coldness” is bolder, more direct.
"Abandoned once more in familiarity;
abandoned in my own domain."
“in familiarity” is a bit awkward, although I did like the refrain-like cadence of these last two lines. The speaker feels she is being abandoned to (not in) a familiar emotional state, one she has visited before. You might think about developing more emotional texture here by using a few strong images that will bring the feeling tone of the speaker’s voice into the poem’s closure.
Thank you for the pleasure of reading and commenting on your poem, Bittany. Please feel free to discard any comments you don't find helpful. I wish you all the very best in your future writing and poetry career. Good luck!
Melina
powerful, real emotion in its rawest form--keep it as is, changing may "mess things up"
i do that all the time, think i can improve, foul it up
(((HUGS))) and love, karla. :)
God Bless
~Michelle~
Keep on keeping on, press forward being a tower for your sons to look back upon, my gradma died when my mum was born, so he played mum and dad.
Join any group that helps, even if it's basket weaving, don't reamain in your domain, you have a life, you belated wants you to live it.
Take care.