Night Trilogy  

Silence

Here it comes again.

That straight to the gut feeling

Something is askew. 

Empty silence. 

Hollow, barren, solitary.

Depressing like a cheap hotel room.

Leaky water pipes hissing 

Spitting endlessly in the night. 

Banging out an offbeat rhythmic chant.

Heard so often 

The voice unwittingly starts

To harmonize with the

Clanging and banging.

Silence is a scary sound. 

Space opens up everything 

Old and forgotten.

Deep bottomless pit with no end, 

Ears are useless. 

The brain melds into the silence

That is deafening. 

And still ringing, whispers, 

Scary throaty yells. 

White noise constantly bewilders 

Rushes along with fast freeway sounds.

Only emptiness and aloneness in the end.

Where the road dead-ends.

And the white double railed fence 

Prevents you from crossing over

To the forbidden side where doubt rules. 

The boundary lines have shifted now 

There is no safe haven,

Never was, never will be.

You tumble, forward tucked into a roll 

Destined for whatever 

Your past choices led you. 

Heart beats reiterate constantly,

Proving you are alive.

You want to slow down 

The beat of your breath, 

You’d prefer not to live, 

The silence controls you.

Thinking

It is during the silence 

Thinking takes over.

Scouring over tidbits of 

Nonsense you have created. 

Choices left behind, forgotten, forgiven. 

Every chapter of your story

Replayed and scrutinized. 

Editing and reshaping

Sneaking in, the tale never changes.

You cannot be fooled or tricked,

Accidentally mislead. 

You just can’t. 

Night sweats, wet bedding

Unrelentless chill. 

Your legs cramp tight and the big toe 

Jettisons upward unnaturally.

Teeth grind, jaws clench,

Clack and click. 

The neck tightens 

Like a stiff rod unbending. 

Apply seasoned fortitude, 

Focus on the breath. 

One...two...three...four...

You only make it to four.

Then the thoughts come back, 

Haunting, condemning, 

Blaming and shaming. 

Blasted plugged-in 

Current of unworthiness 

Flows endlessly. 

Your physical body, 

Defected to the thinking side. 

Each muscle, tendon, ligament 

Contracts darkness and

Weakness with each pulse. 

Every cell that possesses you 

Greedily steals your heart and core.

Guilt and anger pit 

A begrudging doom

And enters your soul. 

There is no way out. 

Trapped and entangled in thought. 

You have succumbed.

Awake

Lying there. Not moving. Still. 

The night is quiet in the silence and lonely. 

There is no one else. Just you. 

Awake with tired eyes. 

Sleep is impossible. 

You don’t deserve it. 

You can’t have it.

The bed is cool. 

The linens crisp. 

Your head moves from side to side. 

Turning, twisting and tossing. 

Hot feet restlessly caressing cool sheets. 

A constant buzz is circulating 

Through your bloodstream. 

Damn silence, 

The mind chants crazed chatter. 

Frantic and wild

Thoughts occupy your head. 

Hopeless. 

Simple desire to sleep, 

Yet unattainable. 

Midnight tortures drag on. 

Hour upon hour 

Endless drawn out minutes. 

Ticking and tocking slowly. 

Sleep doesn’t come. 

It never does. 

A vindictive madness occupies. 

Wide awake. Still. 

Another long night calls forth. 

Dark and silent screams 

No one will hear.

Thinking. Shaking.

Tears. Tough shit.

Silence

Laurie B. Ballard

Dec 2012