The plague of my life has always been
I’m not Jewish enough to be Jewish
Although over the years I’ve had several
Jewish girl friends, I can count them on one hand

No Jewish man has ever wanted me except
for some really despicable Jewish male perverts
and I’ve never figured out the reason
why I’ve always been an outcast among my
own people, and then, even my therapist told me

“It’s all because you don’t know the diifference
between a schlemiel and a schlimazel.
”I said to my therapist, “Andy, don’t be a schlemiel,
a schlemiel is a jerk and schlimazel means
an inept jerk who’s persistently luckless.”

“No,” he said, “you’re wrong and even Ellen knows
the difference,” “Oh com’on” I said, “what is there to know,
you’re making this up to tease me,” “Oh no I’m not,” he said,
“a schlemiel is someone who is Jewish who doesn’t know
how to tie his tie properly and the other is what you said.

”I do wonder what Andy’s going on about
My mother was Jewish orthodox and
my father was Russian Jew and how
much more Jewish can you get than that?
The point is, ... I’m still not Jewish enough ...

Then he said “Even a Jewish atheist would know--
but the gist of it is, that you don’t know enough
about the culture to be with a Jewish man
who gets pleasure from being around other Jews
who can understand the language they speak.

”What can I do?
Being an outcast
is difficult at best!