The stairs lead downward again ... circling.
Anything to get away from him and his mind games.
To find solace, even in the darkest of shadows, or
the most putrid of places where the most evil of
beings sleep the days away. Let me lay within the
lair of the demons, only then may I find peace perhaps.

I should have listened all those years ago, but I was
a rebellious child who knew everything! Now, look
what my unknowledge got me. Nothing but strife and
heartache, pain that sears me night and day, during
my waking hours and in my sleep. I've seen glimpses
of happiness, tasted it I have! Yet, struggle onward in
the gloom of my mistakes and regrets.

Self doubt plagues me now, where has my strength gone?

I'm scared now, I feel lost and alone again in this Hell.
But this is my own doing, I fear. No one helped me here,
it was my own hands and my own feet that brought me
to this place where I feel so drained now. He saps my
strength and plays games with my mind.

Is this love? Sometimes ... I think it is.
Then, I get a glimpse of how love is supposed to be ...
... and I am left in shambles, scrambling, crying, longing.

I hang myself with Hope.

How could anyone love someone like me? I'm damaged.
Maybe I am meant to walk alone, after all that is the name
I go by, for I have no pack. I'm a lone wolf after all. But,
why should my children suffer for my mistakes? They should
not be left fatherless! Yet, they should not have a father
that berates them so! It's a catch-22 I suppose. But, after
all, most would see them as baggage, along with my damage.

I know I love myself, I am proud to be me! That is until
he brings me down with his nasty words and controlling
ways. It's my fault, it's always my fault. I'm no good! I'm
in therapy and counciling, I take my medicine like a good
little girl and I go to work every day even when on the verge
of breaking down. I cry at my desk ... yet, work still, though,
not too well. I hardly hear anything nice come from his
lips ... so this is love.

It cannot be! God did not intend love to be this harsh!

Just let me sleep forever, please!

Yet, I know there is more to love than this. I've seen it,
tasted it. It's within my grasp, I just know it! Yet, I'm
scared. Too many footprints along my soul, and my heart.

Yet, I hang myself again with Hope.