I wrote a poem at 14 and when I attended Wayne State Labor Studies I had it published in their book of anthology entitled, "Working Words" in 1998. That was before, then I will share the same poem that I rewrote at age 35. So can you tell me if you like the younger version better or the older version and why? I'm just curious.
At the Beach At the beach- alone. The sea itself- it understands me. Walking in the sand- feet are bare. So I stare at the sea. I begin to think. So I let my thoughts go with the wind- Leaving all pains behind. So stop...for I am going to pick up seashells- for they are very beautiful and colorful. At the beach- there goes a breeze! I wonder....................................... if each of us can have a happy love. Age 14 ================================================================================ At the Beach At the beach- alone. The sea itself- it teaches me. Walking in the sand- empty are my hands- feet are bare- with sand in toes- wishing I had someone to hold. So I stare at the sea. I begin to think. So I let my thoughts go with the wind. The sea is at peace. Teach me to be still. Let the wind blow my pains away. Cease my tears Shower me with your rain. Let your waves meet me near Bring me close, and speak softly in my ear. I stop...for I am going to pick up seashells. Even when I want to yell, the colorful seashells calm me down - for they are very beautiful. At the beach- there goes a breeze! Age 35
Both of your poems are very nicely written and expressive of your level of consciousness at each time in your life. I like the one written at age 35 better...because it seems to reveal the growth in yourself and your natural talent. Very well penned and thought provoking peice. There is much comfort in nature. Many blessing to you and much success.
I experience the same calm at beaches or large bodies of water. I think we become closer to the creator and detached from the world around us and you Louise knew that a fourteen years of age. In that same stillness we become one with God! Peace!!!
Nice work Louise...I feel that both poems are a blend together that reaches upon each other...the youth of innocence and the age of experience....one cannot separate either for as you have incorporated two thoughts they are now one...only time has found them at the beach within thoughts of seashells...
Both are great. It's hard to choose it's sort of like picking between fried chicken or pork chops. Both are crazy tasty! I like the one at thirty five because the poem has grown and fermented like wine. Seems as though time has made the emotion deeper and more detailed through your writing. Take for instance the whole thing with you walking in the sand. At 14 you say walking barefeet in the sand whereas at age 35 you mention the the hands and feet. Also the sand seems clinched between the toes as if you're wanting to hold someone badly. However, the poem at 14 could be the outright winner because it was the precedent for this emotion of wanting to love and desire another. I like the tension most here in the pain leaving with the wind but still the breeze coming back. It gives you that whole balance of love and pain perfectly. You outdid yourself both times. So take a bow sista! Thanks for your wonderful comments on my pieces as well and hope you have a blessed & ghetto fabulous day!
The one at 14 is so pure and serene...interesting how perceptions evolve with age...at 35, you can tell the difference. At 14 it was care-free, at 35 it was wanting to belong
Thanks for your comments. At 14, seeing myself half- grown looking for love with eyes wide open and hoping that my Adam would find me, I'm still waiting, but not so innocent. I have evolved with more depth as well, but I must say reading your comments about the second poem, I don't feel the pain. Your comments about the metaphors being lovely and original touches my inner child's soul.
Thank you for seeing past the pain and bring my attention back to my thoughts going with the wind and there goes a breeze, because that's how I want to live...happy and hopeful, inspite of the pain.
I think the first poem at 14 is wonderfully innocent and soft; yet I believe the second has evolved with more depth and the metaphors are lovely and original: "my thoughts go with the wind", "there goes a breeze!"
Contraband Marriage, traveling along the hemline of loving after incarceration, is a love story written in lyric and free form, set in reality with a different ever after.
Share
Print
Save
Follow
truly nice work...
enjoyed, Art Sun...
Thanks for your comments. At 14, seeing myself half- grown looking for love with eyes wide open and hoping that my Adam would find me, I'm still waiting, but not so innocent. I have evolved with more depth as well, but I must say reading your comments about the second poem, I don't feel the pain. Your comments about the metaphors being lovely and original touches my inner child's soul.
Thank you for seeing past the pain and bring my attention back to my thoughts going with the wind and there goes a breeze, because that's how I want to live...happy and hopeful, inspite of the pain.