I'm kicking off my mayoral campaign;
Binghamton needs me; it's calling my name.
Here's my platform, in a nutshell:
Anybody who uses the phrases
'Carousel Capital of the World;' 'Greater Binghamton;'
'Triple Cities Opera;' or 'Southern Tier;'
will be shot and killed on the spot.
The plastic palm trees on the Vestal Parkway are gone;
They will be melted into two and a half toy horses,
To be given to the local needy children.
The true origin of the Speedies, our local delicacy, will be brought to light.
It's about time we gave General Douglas MacArthur his due.
Chucky Cheese' and the Ratskellar Bar will be conglomerated
To create a full-service, family-oriented restaurant;
Think about it. What goes together more naturally
Than rats and cheese?
I also pledge to repair the long-time rift
Between the Downtown Cowboy and the
Hunchback from Robinson Street.
I'll remind you that the whole thing started over a girl:
A gorgeous brunette who studied Beaux Tapestry
Named Suzanna, the Hunchback's lady at the time.
On a chilly November night, she was walking down
Main Street, alone, the Goddess of Broome County.
She was accosted by a group of punks,
The laid-off employees of the now-defunct EJ factory.
That's when the Downtown Cowboy rode in on his
Imaginary horse, and showed them who da man.
After the incident, the Hunchback got bent out of shape;
He became insanely jealous and held a great grudge against our hero,
A grudge that has now lived for over thirty years. Enough is enough!
The two men will be forced to ride cross-country in a 1974 VW van,
With a peace symbol hanging from the rear—view mirror.
They will reconcile or kill each other:
Either way, the problem will be resolved.
So, vote now, or don't bitch later!
Oh, And remember, if you don't, you can kiss
Those ceramic kittens I sent you out of the goodness of my heart
A big, fat good-bye!