Reunion

(for Eduard Limonov)

Grandma brought out the potato salad.

“Pass the butter,” said uncle Jake, scratching his balls.

“It’s them goddamn communists!” said grandpa, looking at me.
“Louise, bring more potato salad!”

“We are out of vegetables,” said Mary-Lou.

“So what ever happened to uncle Joe?” I asked grandpa.

“They cut off his balls in Korea,” said cousin Al.

“Poor Joe,” said grandma. “He was such a good boy.”

Peter opened the salami.

Uncle Luke and aunt Martha looked at uncle Jake.
Uncle Jake sneezed on the dinner table.

“Pass the salami,” someone said.

“You all eat like pigs,” said Susan.

“So when the hell are you going to get married?” said mother.
“Shut up, May! It’s none of our goddamn business!” said father.

“Murray, I told you not to wear that tie!” said aunt Lucy.

“Where is my beer?” said uncle Jake.

“I want my salami!” said grandpa.

“You fart too much,” said Eddie, “and your bourgeois ways make me sick!”

“Communists! Communists! Communists!” yelled grandpa.

Aunt Lucy threw a spoon at Eddie.

“You all make me sick!” said mother. “And I’m the one who’s gonna
do the dishes!”

“Shut up, May!” said father.

“I want my salami!” said grandpa.

“Here’s your salami!” said Peter, throwing it in his face.

“Where is my beer?” said uncle Jake, sneezing one more time.

“There is no more potato salad,” said grandma.


   February 28, 1987
--Alexander Shaumyan

Uncle Joe's Adventures in Korea

TRA-TA-TA-TA! BOOM! BUM! TRA-TA-TUM! ZIGZAG! TWEEP! TWEEP! BAMBOO! TAE-KWON-DO! JOOP-JIVE! HAVE THAT YOU BASTARDS!! KUNG FU! KARATE! SAN-GA-MA-SE-KI! COMMIE GOOKS! DUM BUM DOO-BOMB! HIROSHIMA MY ASS! YELLOW BASTARDS! AMERICAN ASSHOLES!! JEESUS H. CHRIST!! I’M GOING TO LOSE MY BALLS!!! WHERE THE HELL IS HARRY TRUMAN?!!! GODDAMN COMMIES!! CHEEP-CHEE-REEP! NA-GA-SA-KI JEEP! BEEP! BOOM! BABOON! PLATOON! CHEEP-CHEEP-CHEEP-CHEEP-CHEEP!!! BEEP! BOP! HALLELUJAH! KIMCHI BALLS! ACHOO!!! FU MANCHU! DING-DONG! TRA-TA-TA-TA-TUM!

DOA 1953

   March 3, 1987  
--Alexander Shaumyan