SOLITUDE

Once again he had received another letter from his secret admirer. Bill Kaulitz, my best friend, tall, blonde and handsome. He had been getting these letters for a while now. They are all so romantic. Just now, he jumped up and down and squealed. I pasted a fake smile on my face, trying to be happy for him, though I was alone and had no admirers, secret or otherwise. “I love her,” he said, yet again.

But how could he love her? He didn’t even know who she was. All he knew was that she loved him and had a way with words. He showed me her latest “though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all alone” very romantic indeed. Well I had something in common with her, I was alone too.

The whole way to work, Bill went on and on about her. He really loved her, blah blah blah. All I could think of was getting home to hurt myself. No one would ever love me like that. Of course, I couldn’t blame her for loving him, not only was he drop dead gorgeous but also kind, sweet, funny etc. We were just best friends though. But he would have to make do with me until she revealed her identity.

When we reached the stuido we parted ways, he was in studio 1 with his band, Tokio Hotel, and I was in studio 2 with my band, Enchanted Devilish Girls. It’s funny how we came to work right in the same studio. We basically grew up together, bonding through a love of music, both singing and writing lyrics. He is literally the boy next door, both in work and home.

I greeted Markesha, my bandmate, and our producer, Kayleigh. They asked how I was and I of course said I was fine. I smiled on the outside, whilst dying on the inside. But this was typical for me, so no problem. I sat down to work on some new lyrics. I wanted to cut so bad, but I never did that while in the studio, I didn’t want to associate my work on music with self harm. I tried to focus on the lyrics I was writing.

On our break, Kayleigh was telling us about her wedding plans with Ville, and Markesha was telling us the latest prank Tom had pulled on his twin brother, who just happened to be my friend Bill. Tom was her boyfriend. He was great too, but there was something special about Bill. I wondered how he was getting on in the studio.

After work, I got a lift home with Bill again. Tom was there this time, he had been out somewhere earlier so hadn’t been with us. I rolled my eyes and gritted my teeth as Bill informed Tom of the latest from “her.” Tom loved to tease Bill about her, saying she was probably a guy or something and was afraid to admit it.

When I got home, I locked myself into my room. I still wanted to cut, but decided to try get some sleep. Soon I was enveloped in an imaginary world, one where I had a boyfriend who loved me, cherished me, would die for me. It wasn’t until just before I woke up that I saw his face. It was Bill’s face.

Angry, I sat up and grabbed a notebook and pen. I wrote down “and if I bleed, I’ll bleed, knowing you don’t care” Well at least it was better to write about hurting than actually do it. I’m not sure who it was addressed to, but dammit, I wanted someone to care, for ME. Why did Bill get all the romance and I had nothing? Everyone always left me abandoned.

I picked the notebook up again and wrote the following. “It’s me. ME. Why can’t you see that I am your secret admirer. I love you and want you to love me.”

But I knew this time I wouldn’t be sending this note. Even if I did he would look through me as always..