The international news is so bleak I have only been able to find very British items that I could squeeze a few laughs out of for the past couple of weeks.
An ASBO - Anti Social Behaviour Order is the Governments big idea to deal with vandalism, drunkenness and street violence that is making many towns and cities no go areas after dark. But as usual when bureaucrats have a great idea it always achieves the opposite of what we think is intended.
SOME INTERESTING LINKS at the end of the article.

ASBOlute madness.

A very respectable lady in Scotland had had an Anti Social Behaviour Order slapped on her because she likes to provided nesting boxes to attract birds to her suburban garden. Now we are not talking Vultures or Ravens but Blue Tits and Finches. Somebody does not like it however and so the law must be enforced. No question of applying common sense of course. I have worms in my garden, they are good for the soil and do me no harm and the birds love them. And the local cats love the birds. But I must now worry about anti social behaviour because by not killing the worms I could be judged to be feeding the birds and that might annoy somebody.

Since the introduction of the ABSO the authorities have lost the plot about what constitutes behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace. Some of the silliest convictions are these:

- A depressed person who behaved anti - socially by trying to kill herself has been banned from going near bridges, canal or river banks, railway lines and tall buildings in her area. Nobody cares of course if the gets on a bus to the next town and kills herself because that is not going to annoy the people who complained. The law cannot, it seems, send her to hospital where she will get the right kind of help. Nobody is mad these in these politically correct days, they are just a nuisance to their neighbours:

- A man with Tourette's syndrome whose ARSE! tendency to involuntarily shout DICK BOLLOCKS! rude words upset some TITS! narrow minded folk. I hope these people have not been watching Gordon Fucking Ramsey, otherwise he will be getting an order. Or maybe not because of course he is neither vulnerable, innocent nor poor:

- A woman in Scotland who sometimes answered her front door wearing only Bra and Panties has been ordered that she must not be seen at doors or windows or in the garden dressed only in underwear. She could wear a hat and high heeled shoes I suppose, but wouldn't it be interesting to know if the complainants are male or female. As things stand we do not know if it is anti - social to be a babe or to be minging.

- A website owner has received an order banning him from making jokes about religion (it was reported soon after that tremors caused by the late Dave Allen turning in his grave sparked fears of an earthquake) We get more like America every day. Ah well, in for a penny, in for a pound. Do you know why American Fundamentalists (emphasis on the mentalist part) do not have sex standing up? It's in case God thinks they are dancing.

- A Quaker woman has been ASBOed for protesting againt the war. It seems we can have our civil liberties so long as we do not exercise them.

- Colin the sheep was ASBOed after being (wrongly) accused of eating the flowers in a graveyard. Colin was cleared on appeal. Obviously a smart enough sheep to hire Mr Cathead as his lawyer.

- A man who cut his hedge with a power trimmer

- A man who did not cut his hedge.

- A pork butcher whose shop sign offended Muslims, the Political Correctness police decided. This one pissed off the Butcher, the local pork chop lovers and the Muslims who felt they had been made to look narrow minded and unreasonable when in fact they did not mind the shop at all.

Tough on crime, tough on causes of crime. Now who said that?

Far from being the big idea ASBOs are the big cop out. It is the "let's make the figures look good without getting involved with real criminals who might be dangerous" approach to policing.

Serious crime has moved out of the streets and onto the net and the authorities have no idea how to tackle low level misbehaviour like vandalism, drunken violence and owning a threatening moustache for example. When in difficulty the inadequate always take refuge in bureaucracy and that is what they have done. Applications for Anti Social Behaviour Orders have a 97% chance of being granted, a statistic that is trumpeted loud and often. Not so well broadcast is the fact that if recipients are real trouble makers and choose to ignore the orders they are almost impossible to enforce. Therefore to keep the statistics looking good the scope must be extended to the kind of people who do respect the law. In doing that though we risk handing the role of judge and jury to the kind of prudes, pokenoses and NIMBYs who have always caused the most trouble in society. Worse, our police forces give these people ASBO diaries, thus empowering them to spy on their less conventional neighbours.

Now that really is one giant leap for mankind… towards an Orwellian nightmare.

BTW - NIMBYs; Not in my backyardies - a British suburban tribe.

Copyright (c) 2005, Ian R. Thorpe. 

Links:
Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares
Dave Allen
ASBO government information webpage
1984 - George Orwell