I told my daughter that I wasn’t going to buy any chocolate candy bars from her THIS time.
Another school year, another fundraiser...and another thirty dollars worth of chocolate in my gut. UGH.
I had good intentions. I told my daughter the night before that she could NOT count on me to buy any chocolate. Well, maybe just one. Or two.
Then, I practically tackled her as she walked in the front door. “Where’s the chocolate?!”
“I thought you weren’t going to buy any!”
“I NEED chocolate. I have to have it!”
She fended me off with a chocolate crunch bar wrapped in a coupon for two dollars off my favorite pizza place. Mmm. Pizza.
I blame the cold. I blame my motherly instincts. I blame the fact that I was very pregnant for most of my pregnancies in the winter. I need to bulk up. I need blubber to keep me warm throughout the holidays. Give me fat and carbohydrates or give me death!
Now, it has come to my attention that many mothers read my column. It has also come my attention that mothers hold the health and well-being of their children in their power and a column like mine just might convince these mothers (who also struggle with self-control when it comes to delectable temptations) that making appropriate and healthful choices are hopeless.
I told you the diet police were everywhere! Somebody needs a hug.
I am so confident that the mothers who read my column are both intelligent and informed that I can risk making fun of the battles we moms wage when it comes to the dirtiest four letter word in the English vocabulary: DIET. Aside from choking on their coffee and spraying the computer monitor or the newspaper, I doubt little ole me could cause much harm let alone harden the arteries of even the gentlest of mothers.
That said, there comes a time in every woman’s day (I blame the kids) or month (I blame what helps create kids) when she MUST HAVE chocolate. And here comes my innocent child with a box of fifty bars of salvation.
Okay, maybe the fat grams hit the roof today, but I guarantee there were five less incidents of road rage for this mom alone. Think of all the other women in the neighborhood tackling school kids for chocolate who also will drive cheerfully in heavenly chocolate bliss.
Moms have their own major food groups and some form of chocolate can be found in every category.
If you’re a woman and especially if you’re a mom, you know what I mean. And Hershey, Dove and Cadbury care. Haagen Daz, Ben & Jerry and Lady Godiva won’t let us down. They understand.
The Wholly Book of Genesis is a humorous satire on the first book of the Old Testament where the Story of Creation, the building of Noah's Ark, Sodom and Gomorrah and the families of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are thoroughly spoofed and broadsided.
