Hi! "HORNY HARRY HERE!"

how YOU doin'? Let me make myself perfectly clear....
(sound familiar?) ... this interrogatory is directed solely to the VENUSIANS out there in Cyberspace - GALS, GIRLS, FEMALES, WOMEN, WIMMIN - THE 'GENTLER SEX' - OKAY?

In the olden days of yesteryear, we used to say: "I'm free, white, and twenty-one, so I'll do as I please!"

Now, it's more like: " I'M RETIRED, DIVORCED, CAUCASIAN, AND SIXTY-SIX, AND I'LL DO AS I DAMNED WELL PLEASE!"

A tad more assertive - EH, WOT?

how YOU doin'?

Copyright: March, 2007
Tom Hyland



As everyone should immediately recognize, these are the words used by Joey on the TV comedy FRIENDS. It is his stock ‘pick-up’ line. As you are also aware, the accent, or inflection, is purposely set on the word ‘you.’ When delivered in his devilish style, with that suggestive gleam in his eye, it has to melt the hearts of women, and naturally make other men present feel envious that they didn’t think of it FIRST!

How YOU doin’? It has that perfect ring of a blend of both suggestiveness, and possible true compassion, or caring – doesn’t it? While I am not quite as young as ‘Joey’; nor quite as handsome, nor tall and thin, nor as suave and sophisticated as he (you do realize he plays the role of a ‘dunce’ right?) – nevertheless, I USE IT quite frequently, and occasionally, with success!

How YOU doin’? What kind of response might one suppose to receive to such a direct, yet somewhat pretentious question? “Oh, I’m Great!” or “I’m Okay!” or perhaps, “Well, to tell the truth, here lately my life SUCKS…” whereupon they go into a litany of negatives and ‘bend your ear’ for the next hour, moaning and groaning! You must learn quickly to identify these types, and avoid them like the plague!

How YOU doin’? Many years ago, I picked up a response somewhere that I have been using for years now. I usually deliver it with vigor, and a big smile that just MELTS people. It also usually invokes return smiles, and sometimes even outright laughter, if a crowd is present. It goes like this: “How you doin’?” --- “If I was any better, I’d be TWINS!” My experience has been that most people have never ever heard this line, and they enjoy such a positive statement – young, old, female, male, white, black, democrat, republican, liberal, conservative – it matters not! People are people – and they SMILE!

How you doin’? One should note that this conversation starter question pre-dates ‘Joey’ for many, many, many years! Note that the ‘CAPS’ on the word ‘you’ were purposely omitted. Ergo, the emphasis, or inflection, is not present. You probably heard this question a million times or more, before the show FRIENDS was ever created! Usually, it was just a natural, relaxed, impromptu question that flowed from people’s lips, like melting butter. Oft-times it may have been asked without any thought whatsoever, more or less without any real consideration for any possible answer that might be prompted – a simple HABIT. Accordingly, one would receive a similar habitual, unthinking stock response of: “I’m Okay, how ‘bout you?”

How are you DOIN’? Note that this one has the ‘CAPS’ on the last word, providing it with the emphasis, or inflection, making it a totally different question. It also has a fourth word added, that which is 'assumed' in all the others. This may seem a tad trivial at first, but take a moment to consider what I am really asking now. It has more of a connotation of – “WHAT’S HAPPENING in your life?” or “What method or mode, or action are you employing or using?” Granted, the difference may be subtle, and may even go totally unnoticed by the responder – WHY? Because, generally speaking, most people simply do not LISTEN well. This phenomena goes back to my “I-ME-MY-MINE” syndrome, which was posted elsewhere quite some time ago. In a nutshell, it is an egomania type ‘trip.’ It seems our cute little grey cells are usually so pre-occupied with formulating and ‘blurting out’ an answer so fast, that we fail to even hear the question. How many times have you heard someone say: “I’m sorry, would you please repeat the question?”

How ARE you doin’? With the emphasis now stressed on the ‘verb to be’ word, we get an impression that the asker is truly interested or concerned about our actual WELFARE. In this circumstance, usually it is delivered with a really big SMILE. The person appears to be sincerely GLAD to see you. Maybe you haven’t seen each other for a long time? Perhaps you are even relatives, or maybe even prior LOVERS? NOTE: I hope not BOTH – this would be INCEST!

HOW are you doin’? This one is much rarer, and obviously ‘pushing’ semantics a bit, and somewhat more difficult to explain, but I did not want to be accused of ‘partiality’ by ignoring ONE word of this four-word exchange! Nevertheless (isn’t that a really super antiquated, but all-purpose word?) – this question, in this manner, simply BEGS for a lengthy answer from the responder! Perhaps he/she was recently separated or divorced? Or maybe lost a loved one? Or lost their J-O-B? It is more like asking: “Oh, Dear, how are you COPING?” NOTE: This is NOT copulating! While copulating may be a method of coping with various and sundry stresses in one’s life, the two terms are not synonymous!

How YOU doin’? Ah, now we are back to the original question, which practically SCREAMS OUT that I am totally and hopelessly in love with you, would like to take you home (and abed) as soon as possible, and render copious amounts of kisses (all over your body), as we copulate conspicuously CON MUCHO GUSTO! ( en Ingles, with much PLEASURE)!

So, my Friends and Fellow Fiends, as EL SOL sinks slowly into the Western skies, silently assuaging away the pains of a fastidious foray in this forum of fundaments (archaic sense = buttocks) – finality finally finds fine formality forming yet other fundaments (third sense = land untouched by humans) - FINITO!

OH! The next time you watch a rerun of FRIENDS, and you see and hear Joey ask: “How YOU doin’?” --- I hope you GET the FULL MEANING!

MAKE IT A GREAT DAY! Tom.