A very brief satire on marital relationships and counselling.

My name is Professor Hans Pfilzhaymer, I am a professor of Psychiatry, Psychology and Psychoanalysis and my main field of interest is marital relationships. Based on many sessions of counselling this is how I would sum up briefly - in a layman's language - that relationship.

There are - roughly speaking - two types of males, dicks and arseholes, who equally do not understand women.

Dicks have outgoing personalities and have a one-track mind, revolving around satisfying the natural sexual urge, which greatly appeals to the vast majority of women. Women look upon dicks as the easy means of satisfying their own natural urges and are more than aware that they can have any number of dicks, as and when they desire.

Arseholes are more reserved, often with many interests, the majority of which are very little or no interest to women. They are usually capable of performing a variety of tasks, but invariably only one at a time. They prefer security to adventure and are steadfast in their relationships with others. Women look upon them as safe bets, a good catch for marriage, who would either be oblivious to or - for the sake of preserving stability - overlook the dicks satisfying their partners sexual urges.

Not surprisingly arseholes are in short supply as there is a great demand for them.

Women treasure them, want to marry them and want to keep them, because they are reliable, they make good husbands and excellent fathers to the children, sired by those dicks who satisfy their sexual urges and make them happy and content.

You may have noticed that I did not classify women into different groups or categories. This is not on account of believing that all women are the same. It is because, like the majority of men - experts included - I cannot fathom women either. I am - by my own definition - an arsehole.

© P J Oszmann (2002) (Reworked from an earlier short satire, written in Hungarian around 1950)

© Illustration created in Photoshop (2002)

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