Which came first, the chicken or the egg? WHO CARES?

What has this got to do with this story? Egg - Ova - Germ - IDEA... CREATION - EDEN - FIRST HOME...

Talk about a streeeeeeeeeeetch....

Home “SWEET” Home

Copyright: August 28, 2007 - Tom Hyland


Once upon a time, in the Garden of Eden, Eve realized that two things were bothering her. Even though this was Paradise, whenever she slept “in” late, on a beautiful sunny day, the rays of the sun were scorching her beautiful, soft, moist skin. In fact, there were times when she actually got “sunburned” and then later, “peeled.” YUK!

The other thing that didn’t “sit well” with her, was the opposite end of the spectrum, that is, when there was an occasional torrential rain, her long, beautiful, blonde tresses got soaked, stuck to her head, and caused what was later known as “bad hair days.” Double YUK!

Now, bear in mind that, even though Eve, and her partner, big, strong, handsome, but lazy Adam, oft-times did sleep under the arbors of the wonderful, tall, plants with huge leaves (later known as ‘elephant ears’) - something just wasn’t quite right. Something HAD to be done about her two dilemmas.

Much later, in a phenomena which got the title of ‘History’ another new word was coined, which was a very powerful influence upon the whole of mankind, but Eve was the actual originator of a process later called “NAGGING.”

Whenever Eve would wake up with either dry skin, or wet hair, she would begin with a very subtle, but effective act, later known as the “ELBOW” in the ribs! This was actually the first ‘attention-getter.’ Then the ‘bitching and moaning’ would begin. “Why can’t you DO something about this?”

“HUH? WHAT? LEEMME ALONE!” was Adam’s normal response for such a ‘rude awakening.’ Whereupon, the poor, tired SCHMUCK would simply roll over, and try to return to ‘SLUMBERLAND.’

“WHACK!” the ELBOW again! Now, one must long remember, and not too soon forget, that our ‘HERO’ was still recovering from major surgery, the very first ‘TRANSPLANT’ had been performed on him, rather perfunctorily, I might add, and his RIB CAGE was still tender!

“WHACK!” … “AW, come on, BABE… LEEMME ALONE!” “I drank a little too much ‘KICKAPOO JOY JUICE’ last night, and I got a throbbing head.” This was the first ‘HANGOVER’ no less!

WRONG ANSWER! Not to be outdone by the first spouse’s ‘excusitis’, Eve started in with her verbal barrage now. “Why don’t you PAY ATTENTION to me? YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN! YOU DON’T LOVE ME!” Then, the piece d’resistance begins - a torrent of ‘CROCODILE TEARS’ - this really puts the ‘icing on the cake!’

“Now, now, HONEY… wadda yew want me to do? Just TELL me!”

“Well, use the senses that God gave you! Look around! The male birds HELP BUILD NESTS! The male rabbits DIG HOLES for burrows! Heck, even the ‘snakes in the grass’ find some nice rocks with protective overhangs, where EGGS can be laid! THEY CARE ABOUT THEIR PARTNERS’ COMFORT! SHELTER! We need something to call ‘our own’! OUR PLACE! Something more permanent, like maybe… er, ah, um… a ROOF over our heads!”

“HUH? What the ‘SAM-HILL’ (very first split-expletive) is a ROOF?”

“I DUNNO… but I WANT ONE!” “NOW!”

“OKAY, OKAY, OKAY… just lem’me get another ‘forty winks’ - OKAY?”

“WHACK!” Another shot to the ribs!

“OKAY, OKAY, OKAY - I’M UP! I’LL DO IT! You want a FRIGGIN’ (second cussword) ROOF? I’ll give you a FRIGGIN’ ROOF!”

Whereupon, right after a hearty vegetarian breakfast of: berries, nuts, and some kind of ‘green stuff’ SHE calls ‘salad’ along with some hot, squeezed goat milk, Adam begins his first J-O-B… the very first construction of a thing he didn’t know what to call yet!

He wandered throughout Paradise, gathering everything imaginable that might be of use: vines, branches, logs, rocks, big leaves, bamboo canes, sticks, stones, tall sheaves of dry grass (he thought maybe ‘THATCH’ might be a good name for these) - and had them all piled around the base of a huge oak tree. The very first inventory, or stockpile of MATERIEL, for the very first CONSTRUCTION SITE!

Now remember, he wasn’t the ‘sharpest tool in the tool-box’ - in fact, he hadn’t yet even invented tools! Well, he did have ONE, but he hadn’t named IT yet! But, that’s another story! So, our hero, ADAM THE SCHMUCK, began to employ his mind (later, aptly named ‘grey matter’) and he sat and THUNK, and THUNK - (between and amongst several sips of his favorite beverage, the aforementioned KICKAPOO JOY JUICE) and then, WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MA’AM --- he flew around like a WHITE TORNADO!

Wrapping, hauling, lifting, entwining, banging logs with handheld rocks, stepping back, evaluating, re-adjusting… correcting things that didn’t quite look balanced - he was actually the very first PLUMBER, doncha’ know? He worked his ‘buns off’ for SEVEN solid days and nights… well, actually only SIX days, ‘cause of the “Lord’s Day of Rest.” “Political Correctness” was imperative in those days also!

Meanwhile his FIRST MATE kept encouraging him onward, with more vegetarian salads, and grasses, and bean sprouts, and other such ‘delicacies.’ This was actually the very first UN-COOKOUT -- they had yet to discover FIRE! So, Adam labored and labored, and Eve was a true HELPMATE, handing him stuff, which she never really understood. No matter what he asked for, she would grab the wrong thing -- “No, no, the VINE, Eve, the VINE!” This minor mistake will become self-evident a little later… OKAY?

So now, in order to create a mental image of just what this very first TREE HOUSE looked like, we must LEAP FORWARD IN TIME a tad…

We are now watching an old motion picture, in black and white. It’s entitled, “TARZAN OF THE APES.” Tarzan and his ‘BUNKMATE’ JANE reside in a really, really nice ‘SPLIT-LEVEL’ TREE HOUSE. It is high in a tree, a security precaution against marauding, dangerous animals - the separate levels have ROOFS (or should it be ROOVES?) made of thatch, with bamboo dividers and walls, and there is a rope ladder for access from the jungle floor. It also has many other amenities, like: a fresh water collection and supply system - a ‘DUMB-WAITER’ for hauling stuff up, like food - plenty of hanging vines, so APE-MAN can be a SWINGER, and practice his YODEL - and even a big, fresh-air FAN, that CHEETAH, the chimpanzee loved to operate!

While it is totally unconfirmed, it is within the realm of possibility that TARZAN found the original BLUEPRINTS from ADAM’S first endeavor. There are some people who believe that the actual “CRADLE OF LIFE” - EDEN - was situated somewhere in the deep, dark bowels of AFRICA! OKAY?

Now, as we return to those thrilling days of yesteryear, ADAM has finished the very first HOME SWEET HOME, and rested on his laurels, and EVE is now happier than a ‘pig in crap’ - and she just couldn’t wait to have a ‘bun in the oven’ - and they lived happily ever after! ADAM’S RIB DID HEAL, TOO!

But, our story doesn’t end here; in fact, it has just begun!

After this first tree house, other forms of shelter were investigated, and or invented. Some later cavemen discovered that seeking refuge in a nice, hard, cold, damp cave was quite PRACTICAL! Other than rolling in a few ROCKS for FURNITURE, and decorating the walls with pretty pictures, painted in animal BLOOD, and using animal FAT for lighting, as candles (by now, FIRE was discovered, which provided both HEAT and LIGHT, as well as protection from SABER-TOOTHED TIGERS, and such) - along with animal SKINS for both clothing, and more decorations - women somehow liked a lot of ‘KNICK-KNACKS and PADDIWHACKS!

Still later, various cultures around the world started digging HOLES in the side of mountains, hills, and such, like the PUEBLOS, and communities just seemed to thrive and grow.

Then, some people had ‘WANDERLUST’ and preferred to travel to other places and different climates. “OH, Give me a HOME, where the BUFFALO roam, and the DEER and the ANTELOPE play - where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, and the SKIES are not cloudy all day! HOME, HOME on the RANGE…”

Then, TENTS, or WIGWAMS became popular to some cultures. Others built SHACKS, or LEAN-TOS, or even LOG CABINS, made predominantly out of WOOD, and MUD, and/or STICKS and STONES. Eventually, well-formed BLOCKS were made, and these CASAS were named ADOBE HOMES. Still later, a red clay was used to form very precisely shaped rectangular pieces, called BRICKS. Here, one might well recall the fairytale story of the WOLF and THE THREE PIGS! STRAW - STICKS - BRICKS!

Well, Pilgrims, the next thing you know, EVERYBODY just HAS to have a HOME! The construction business starting BOOMING! Developers and Investors, and BANKERS started having a HEYDAY! CONSTRUCTION loans, BUILDING loans, MORTGAGE loans - FINANCING - RE-FINANCING - CONSOLIDATING - FIRST MORTGAGES - SECOND MORTGAGES - THIRD MORTGAGES - WOW! BUSINESS WAS GOOD!

Developments sprang up everywhere. Farmers and ranchers sold millions and millions of ACRES of LAND, and some made a tidy PROFIT - much easier than all that hard, honest WORK, right? Tired of fighting Mother Nature, with her droughts and floods, and crop destruction by pesky bugs and other CRITTERS? Just SELL some LAND to TONY SOPRANO, and/or his BOYZ!

Backwater little towns grew into CITIES. Separate little SHACKS became blocks and blocks of ROW-HOMES! PLEASE NOTE: to be ‘politically correct’ nowadays, these are now more properly called ‘TOWN-HOUSES!’ this allows the builder, or developer to HIKE UP THE PRICES - and BAMBOOZLE the non-intellectual HOMEOWNERS!

As all of this was happening, this BUILDING BOOM - it naturally provided more markets, for more STUFF, like: furniture, decorations, appliances, every building material imaginable - wood, steel, glass, bricks, stone, siding (aluminum, cedar, vinyl, asbestos, and more) - plumbing materials (lead, galvanized steel, copper, plastic PVC pipes) - electrical panels, fuse boxes, circuit breakers, wire of every gauge possible - WOODEN - 2X4’s, 4X4’s, 6X6’s, 2X6’s, 2X8’s, 2X10’s, 2X12’s - rafters, joists, studs, tongue-and-groove OAK flooring, PLYWOOD, framing, insulation, cement for sidewalks and patios, IN-houses (inside BATH rooms instead of OUT-houses), garages, sheds, patio furniture made of cedar, then aluminum with plastic webbing, then molded plastic - KNICK-KNACKS - PADDIWHACKS… and MORE!

Well next, as you might expect came another phenomena “KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES!”

The more affluent just couldn’t STAND living next door to the PAUPERS. They NEEDED something: BETTER - BIGGER - RICHER - MORE SPACIOUS - MORE STUNNING - MORE RESERVED - MORE PRIVATE - SWIMMING POOLS - TENNIS COURTS - MORE ACREAGE - LONGER, WINDING DRIVEWAYS - HUGE IMPRESSIVE ENTRANCES - and ON, and ON, and ON!

In the ‘olden days’ when I wore a younger man’s clothes, we were taught in Sociology class of another phenomena, which was then called the “Theory of Concentric Circles.” It basically explained how ‘Urban Sprawl’ began to spread like ‘WILDFIRE’, with these more affluents ‘getting away from it all’ by moving outward, into the SUBURBS (now shortened to just BURBS).

“The Rich get Richer, and the Poor get Poorer… but in the meantime, in between time… AIN’T WE GOT FUN?”

“AH - HOME SWEET HOME!” But, gee -- it’s 2007 now, is some kind of REVERSAL going on? Inner city GHETTOS have been RAZED! Old dilapidated WAREHOUSES and PIERS on the waterfront have been either demolished, or totally RENOVATED. Now, subsequent generations of younger, well-educated, high-income YUPPIES, and PROFESSIONALS, and REAL ESTATE INVESTORS have DRIVEN UP ALL THE PRICING IN THE HOUSING MARKET! They WANT it! They can AFFORD it! So, to HELL with COMMON SENSE - BUY IT!

Did you ever wonder why the abovementioned phrase is never called the HOMING MARKET? LOW-INCOME HOUSING - FEDERALLY ASSISTED HOUSING - HOUSING PROJECTS - don’t these names all have a negative connotation? Remember the Book, and the MOVIE - “ A House Is Not A Home?”

Is not a HOME the place where a FAMILY lives? Is it not a place for the growth of Children, and the growth of LOVE? Is it no longer the place where MOMMY (EVE) stays HOME and instills VALUES into her loving offspring? Does DADDY (ADAM) not go out to face the world (SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER) and struggle to BRING HOME THE BACON? Naaaaah!

That’s all PASSE! “HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS!” is now mostly a melancholy fond memory. In this daily ‘rat race’ to ‘keep up with those Joneses’ - BOTH PARENTS must now work! Beautiful little TYKES have to be bundled up, and hauled off to “DAYCARE CENTERS” - where they can be indoctrinated into a totally foreign atmosphere from FAMILY. I like to call it “ASSIMILATION 101.”

Before their eager little minds can even learn about FAMILY LIFE - seeing the PROUD FACES OF THEIR PARENTS WHEN THEY ACTUALLY SPEAK THEIR FIRST WORDS! - Learning to deal with both older and younger siblings, on a DAILY basis - Going ‘shopping’ at the food store with MOMMY in the DAYtime, when she has LESS chance of being MUGGED on the parking lot! - Greeting DADDY at the front door of the HOME with a big HUG and KISSES, when he comes HOME from work!

ALAS and ALACK! Today’s connotation of a HOME is --- that PLACE where your children SHOVE YOU, when you get old and feeble, and can’t fend for yourself any longer - THE OLD-AGE HOME - THE NURSING HOME - THE ASSISTED LIVING HOME - THE ALZHEIMERS ANONYMOUS ASSOCIATION…

“ALAS, POOR YORICK - I KNEW HIM WELL!”


CLOSING FOOTNOTE: we all know that one of the HAPPIEST things that PLEASES these ‘old folks’ STRANDED in these “HOMES” is when we take a cute little PET to visit, right? Doesn’t matter much which type of ‘critter’ it is - they ALL LOVE IT! A few soft strokes on the head, and a wagging tail, and smiles all around, right?

NOT ANYMORE, PILGRIM! I spend three days a week of my Golden Retirement Years, delivering prescriptions to many of these “HOMES” --- and NOW MANY HAVE POSTED SIGNS AT THE ENTRANCE DOORS - “NO PETS ALLOWED!”


“HOME SWEET HOME?” … I DON’T THINK SO!


J-PAL… Joy - Peace - Abundance - Love - Tom.