I Look Out the Window and I don't Know What I See?

Am I illiterate? Everything is moving so fast from the moment I get up and dress in the dark, to the moment I get undressed in the dark. I rush and rush and I sometimes don't know why. Any unforeseen down time is quickly filled through multitasking and preparing. Once in a blue moon, I allow something that resembles tranquility. Sometimes this tranquility that I long for feels awkward to me. During these pauses in life I look out my window. I quickly notice my reflection as my focus is rapidly shifting to the kids' toys in the yard, and then onto the trees. I soon get lost in my thoughts and the trees blur as my mind goes to a place that is somewhere beyond my reach.

“Hey” my wife interrupts.”What are you looking at?” she ask. I painfully answer back that I don't know what I'm looking at when I stare out the window. I know this response will confuse my wife. She”ll wonders how I could be starring out the window and not know what I see. Most of the time I try to avoid this awkward exchange by answering my wife with something trite like, “I'm just looking at our beautiful yard.” I know this is wrong. But somehow not knowing what I'm looking at seems wrong too. Could this pain I'm feeling be a form of meditation, or one step closer to enlightenment? In truth, when I look out the window, I'm only initially using my eyes. My mind's eye swiftly takes over. Through my mind's eye, I feel like I'm suppose to see the answers to life, sort of like some spirituality or something like that. Unfortunately, I'm always disappointed because my mind's eye and language skills can't even formulate the World's questions, let alone the answers. I stare out that window, my focus is fuzzy like a camera lens in between places. My thoughts are running, but not in a way that I can understand, and definitely not in a way that I can express. This seems like odd behavior to me. I feel like I'm missing something or that I have failed at something, even though I don't know what this something is. I can't see my wife's stare, but I feel her. She thinks I'm hiding something when I stare out the window; but I'm NOT! It's more like this world is hiding something from me or at least it's fleeting, beyond my reach, and out of my focus. What ever it is, it lacks literacy for me.

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