My spouse recently managed to flood our whole basement

By misdirecting the water hose on our washing machine

Causing some usually unobtrusive crawl space dwellers

To painfully make their displeasure both felt and seen

One of our basement loving cats named Fat Louie

Who’s an extremely gentle but not very agile fellow

Took the brunt of their agitated water soaked revenge

And poor Louie these days isn’t feeling very mellow

I had to rush him to the veterinarian’s office

Where they had to keep him on an antibiotic IV

And when I returned home to mop up the wet mess

One of these spiders now took its revenge out on me

By the very next god-awful morning

My right foot looked like a volleyball

Now I’m in a lot of pain on antibiotics

And I can’t seem to walk very well at all

But there is an up-side to this tale of nature’s revenge

My spouse is now treating both Louie and me like kings

He just ordered some smoked salmon from the delicatessen

I just sent her off to fetch some more beer and spicy buffalo wings

Fat Louie and I have now decided

That our revenge is pretty sweet too

Being served our every desire very promptly

Helps take the sting out of these Bite Me Blues

“And, Sweetie, when you get back

from making that food run,

Don’t forget to walk the dogs.”

“Yes, Dear.”

“And the lawn needs mowing!”

“Yes, Dear.”

“Fat Louie, we may want to milk this

For a very long time!”

“MEOOOOOOWWWWW!”

©2006, Big Fat Pain-filled Foot Ed

By Their Very Name,

Brown Recluse Spiders

Attempt to Avoid We Humans;

But When We Agitate Them,

We Will Often Pay the Price

They Can Be Found

In Deep Dark Closets, Cellars,

Crawl Spaces, Attics, and Garages;

Preferring Dry Locations

That Remain Undisturbed

And There Was a Time

When These Spiders

Were Never Found

As Far North as My Home

But Quite a Few Biologists Today

Believe That Many of Earth’s Creatures

Are Migrating Further and Further Northward

Because of Increased Global Warming

So Be Careful Out There,

And Evidently,

Indoors as Well

Nature Seems to Be

Increasingly Upset With Us

These Days;

And It’s Probably

Our Own Damned Fault

This spider bite

Is worse than anything

I’ve experienced in the field

From snake bites and insect stings

To riled skunk encounters;

And it occurred in my own home

But the vet and the physician

Say Louie and I will be just fine

So we’ll try to make the best of it

But we’ll both probably be singin

The Bite Me Blues for quite some time

“YEOWWWWW!”

“MEOWWWWW!”

“YEOWWWWW!”

“MEOWWWWW!”