I admit that I got just a little carried away

Remodeling our old outhouse made of wood

Adding a second story a fireplace and satellite TV

But the dogs and I now felt that life was pretty good

Alas we had a midnight visitor just the other night

Which soon reminded me of the epic poem by Poe

So with my most sincere apologies to Mr. Edgar Allen

This is how this tale unfolded in the moon’s eerie glow

On a recent midnight dreary, while I pondered, wide eyed and cheery,

Over the hundreds of channel choices on my brand new satellite TV;

While I pondered, nearly crapping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As if someone was gently rapping, rapping at my new outhouse door.

"'Tis just some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my outhouse door,

Only this, and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was a recent cold October night,

And each separate dying ember in my cozy outhouse fireplace,

Wrought its eerie ghost upon my renovated outhouse floor.

Not very eagerly wishing the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow

More time until the dawn - when my spouse would give me more chores;

But for now, the merciless maiden whom the goddesses had named Rebecca,

Was not allowed anywhere inside this male/canine outhouse - for evermore.

The huge wide screen TV and boom box speakers I’d installed

Thrilled me- filled me - with fantastic emotions never felt before;

But now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,

"Is some visitor entreating entrance at my outhouse door?

Some late visitor entreating entrance at my outhouse door?

No, My Brave Lads, it’s just the night wind, and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

"Sir," said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I must implore;

But the fact is I was crapping, and so gently you came rapping,

And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my outhouse door,

That I scarce was sure I heard you there.”

Here I opened wide the outhouse door;

Only darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering,

Long I stood there persevering,

And yes, I’ll admit, somewhat fearing;

Were the ghosts of Thornwood Manor up and about tonight?

Or was it something even more sinister to cause such fright?

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,

And the only words now spoken were these whispered in the wind,

“Your TV is Too Loud…”

This strange message I repeated to myself,

And an echo murmured back these words,

“Your TV is Too Loud…”

Now back into the outhouse turning, all my soul within me burning,

Soon again I heard a tapping – definitely much louder than before.

"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my outhouse door;

Let me see, then, what threat this is, and this mystery explore-

Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore;

“Tis probably just the wind, My Brave Lads, and nothing more.”

And bravely now I flung wide the shutter - when, with much fury and flutter,

Into our members only outhouse marched a surly maiden in full night dress.

“Shut that damn TV off – NOW- and go to bed, You Moron;

You have lots of work to do around here tomorrow!”

“Yes, Dear.”

Alas, what a bummer, I thought, as we drifted off to slumber;

The dogs and I had just started watching

A really scary late night horror movie,

In the outhouse’s fabulous second story suite,

And we had lots of microwave popcorn yet to eat.

As I began falling asleep,

I had now suddenly realized:

I had to move my brand new hideaway,

Away from the house, into the deep dark woods,

Away from those probing manor maiden’s ears and eyes...

-To Be Continued-

©2006, Outhouse Ed