“A complex mind; all great criminals have that.”

Sherlock Holmes

It seems that a perplexing new mystery

Now plagues Thornwood Manor Estate

I can never seem to find any toilet tissue

It all seems to vanish into thin air of late

I’ve interrogated the usual cunning suspects

Including my conniving pets and my spouse

But they all seem to believe that someone else

Is purloining this necessity from my outhouse

My wife believes that it’s one of the mischievous ghosts

Who seem to play tricks on us all hours of the day and night

But I’m not sure that I believe her in this most dire of matters

She seems to have more of a smirk on her face than one of fright

And of course my four canines are not talking at all

But they too seem to have devilish grins on their jowls

And now as I sit here in the middle of the night unsupplied

I wonder if this dastardly thief is ghost canine human or fowl

But another intriguing thought just occurred to me

As I search for an already leafed through magazine

I wonder if that conniving furry Charmin Bear rascal

In the vicinity of old Thornwood Manor has been seen

At dawn’s first light I guess I better go out and check

For paw prints and bear scat in the newly fallen snow

But somehow my married male gut instinct tells me

My smirking wife is telling me far less than she knows

It’s very often the very simple things in life

That we truly miss in our late night hours of strife

And here I sit with the Late Night Outhouse Blues

Knowing it’s gotta be – my very crafty conniving wife

But as I scan my book of quotes,

I am soon inspired:

“Revenge is A Dish,

Best Served Cold!”

Ricardo Montalban,

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

©2006, A Very Cold Mr. Ed