And You Thought

Harry Potter’s Secret Chambers

Were Frightening.

Most of My Tales,

Are Based on Fact.

It was way back in the middle 1970s

During the midst of the old Cold War

When I stumbled upon this secret chamber

We were stockpiling cheese like never before

I was making another cheese delivery

To the bowels of good old Creek Cave

When I stumbled upon a secret passageway

It intrigued me, so I decided I had to be brave

And when I meekly entered this hidden secret chamber

I was shocked and stunned, not able to believe my eyes

Before me was a fortune, in the most expensive cheeses

Obviously hidden here for a select few, I quickly surmised

And suddenly, from the depths of this eerie immense cavern

I sensed some sort of movement which gave my heart pangs

It was the valiant guardian of this Secret Chamber of Cheese

It was the night that I met the gargantuan spider named Fang

“Welcome, My Now Very Helpless, Juicy, Victim!

I haven’t enjoyed a human meal in a very long time;

I hope you know unauthorized entry into this chamber,

By Government Order No. 6723, is considered a Crime.”

“Uh, I really hadn’t realized that,

And, I too, am a government employee;

Do you think you might give me a break here,

If I share my roast beef sandwiches and iced tea?”

Luckily, this gigantic guardian of this Secret Chamber of Cheese

Proved to be a most compassionate fellow servant of our government

And soon, the two of us struck up a friendship that’s spanned the years

As I traveled the country, I’d bring him news of the many places I went

It seems this gigantic talking spider was created in a government laboratory

When those in power thought that Super Bugs would be our way to win wars

And, of course, when power changed hands, and other methods were pursued

He, like many other captive beings, was abandoned, something I grew to abhor

But being a true expert and connoisseur of the world’s very finest cheeses

I’ve asked my friend, Fang, to be the judge of our ‘Cheese Poem’ Contest

He’s now agreed, and he’s already been reading the many fine cheese poems

And very shortly, good old Fang has promised that he will select the very best

And as Savvy FBI Agent Fox Mulder Would Tell You from The X-Files,

The Truth Really Is Out There, And It’s In Some Deep, Dark, Caverns, Too

†2007, Mr. Ed

Fang and I Have Been Mulling Over

Co-Authoring a New Book Together:

‘Deep Dark Secrets The Government Doesn’t Want You To Know’

But We Both Know That If We Do Publish It,

We’ll Both Have To Find A New Cave To Hide In.

And Now, You All Know,

Why Many Poets Have Been Mysteriously Silent,

On The Subject of ‘Cheese.’