Tales From The Big S

A hard wind blew as the patrons one by one shuffled

through the doors of the "Big S." Standing in the foyer

with a sly grin on her face, was the "Madame" of the Big S, Ms. Kathy.

Quickly, she looked us over and with a quick little smile, said,

"Follow me and watch out for the Crowder peas"

“Crowder Peas? I asked.

Just follow me."  And that we did, my innocent, little wife and I,

walking quickly to not be left behind. Arriving now at our seat,

Ms. Kathy bid us adieu. I glanced around the room to see whom

all we had in our company. There must have been ten or so guests,

and each one was wearing a black leather vest.

I was shocked at such a sight and suggested to my wife

that we call it a night, but no, my wife, having the curiosity

of her "mother Eve"; you know...the one that just had to

taste that apple, wanted to stay and find out more about

those Crowder peas.

So dutifully, and with a smile, being the obliging

husband that I am, we remained, but the other patrons

were now staring at us with disdain. All of the sudden,

a sound broke the silence, that sounded like thunder.

I looked in the direction from whence it came

and that is when I saw her. Mistress Angie!

She stood about 6' 1" but if you took away the six inch heels,

that would land her about 5' 6." I was in shock to say the least!

She wore a rather short leather skirt with a matching blouse.

Attached to those six-inch heels were red leather boots

adorned in rhinestone studs. They came just above the knee.

She carried with her in her hand a large black whip

with about nine strands of leather attached to it.

"CRACK" would go the whip, as she would bark out a command.

"Eat those peas, do it now!" Crack!

"What is it you don't understand?"

Now I must admit, I have been around, but,

I, never in my life have seen anything like this.

If I were to give her a name, it is painfully plain,

that she would be called, "THE QUEEN OF MEAN."

I watched in horror as she took that whip she was carrying

and smacked it across the back of this one timid looking server and demanded that she get on her hands and knees

and pick up all the errant Crowder peas.

I sat watching this in total dismay, when suddenly

she turned and looked my way. I dropped my head

in hopes that she hadn't seen me looking,

but I was surely caught. She had seen me and

was heading our way, I grabbed my wife for us to leave,

when the Queen lightly touched a button on her sleeve

and before we could exit our seats,

a set of cuffs appeared at our feet. (SNAP) (SNAP) and (CLINK)

and we were now bound to our seat.

For some strange reason I started hearing an old

Eagles tune play repeatedly in my head as

The Queen walked over our way.

“Welcome to the hotel California, such a lovely place,

such a lovely place"

" Sit still" she commanded. " " Your server, timid Tammy

will be over soon to take your order,

now hand me that sugar dish, you won't be needing it,

you look too sweet already.  No sugar for you…Ha Ha Ha",

she said while breaking into some evil laughter.

She continued on in a rather menacing tone and said

here is Tammy now, she will recite the menu for you,

won't you Tammy!” Yes Mistress Angie mam"

said the nice, kind looking server as she turned her eyes

from my wife and me.

"We have field peas and uh English peas and Crowder peas,

now what will it be for you today?

("Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice,

they stabbed him with their steely knives,

but you just can't kill the beast.")

(You can check out, anytime, but you can never leave)

Not with these chains...yeeeiiiiiiiiiii someone please help!

Mistress Angie has her stiletto-heeled boot aimed in my direction!

“Honey, Oh honey, wake up,

you must be having a bad dream" said my wife while

Shaking me by the shoulders.

Indeed, and thank heaven… I was dreaming.

Cold sweat stood out like pimples on my forehead and raw fear hung heavy still in my throat.

“Are you alright? My wife continued...

"You were tossing in the bed and screaming something about six-inch heels killing the beast.

You had me worried, come on, just get up and go get some dinner."

I rose from the bed and on shaky legs and made my way to the bathroom to take a shower, when my wife spoke and said,

I don't know what you want for dinner, but for some strange reason,

I have this craving for some good ole homemade Crowder Peas."

What? What did you say? Crowder Peas? AHHHHHH NO..... NO...Please, No Crowder Peas.... AHHHHH

J. Allen Wilson © 2005