The Question
I was asked today how I was doing with Christmas being only three days away.
I thought for a minute as I pondered their question and I looked them blankly not knowing what to say.
They sensed my bewilderment and now it was they who were without words.
I think I muttered something sociably acceptable but it went wholly unheard.
They then walked away with muted lips and a slight gentle wave of the hand.
I watched in the stone cold silence as they turned the corner slightly up ahead.
Never once did they look back…not once was anything else ever said.
Christmas in three days now chased quarantined memories to the front of my mind.
What I had been trying so hard to make obscure now played over and over like a tape on rewind.
The tree and Leah’s candies… the carols of Sweet Jesus and His birth….
Overwhelmed became I as I now faced the coming Christmas day as my first.
A dozen or so people walked past me; some with smiling eyes; others with their own burdens to bear.
I knew that I missed her…in fact I know this every single night and day.
Yet now I thought of this first Christmas and all I wanted to do is run away.
My cell phone then rang…”hello” said I…”Mr. Wilson this is the funeral home and your payment to us failed to arrive on time.”
Oh insult to injury, oh naked is the assault on an already over taxed mind.
“Mr. Wilson…we will need your payment in the office no later than five.”
How…how…how much is it I owe I heard my self robotically say.
“Lets see she said…what I have here totals out to nine thousand eight hundred and forty nine.
I’ll be there by five I heard myself say….
I paid the bill after all it was money that was due.
I have now done right by all…but I am here to tell you now.
I have never missed anything more than my Leah…
And they say with time it gets better….I don’t see HOW.
J. Allen Wilson © 12/22/2008
www.Jallenwilson.com
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You will be feeling better, but it will take time. You must do the mourning process, it is very important to do that. Forget the insensitive actions and words of others, because they really don't know what it is like to lose someone so close to them. They do care and worry about your well being however. Just breath in her essence and know that she is a part of your soul and no one can take that from you.
Much peace, love, and light,
Amber "V"
prayers continue
This will be an especially hard Christmas for you, but for Leah it will be a glorious first Christmas in Heaven. My thoughts an prayers are with you, my friend. I can only imagine your pain. I wish I knew the right words to say, I can only ask God to heal your heart.
Blessings and love,
~Linda
(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :( >tears! <
I'm so sorry: an uncertain time for all. People wanting to know how you're doing, but afraid of opening new wounds. Bills needing to be paid, even though it hurts to do so. Life goes on, even though yours is frozen ... it's going to take time but things WILL get better, slowly. Know where you're coming from ... your first Christmas without Leah. Mine, without my big, strong Daddy. Man. Lonely doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. But we carry on ... with the Lord's help, even though He seems silent. I keep hoping ... wishing ... no, it won't bring them back, but I do thank God for the memories I do have. A powerfully poignant, honest look at grief and how it completely unravels a person ... the holidays are the worst. Know I'm here for you, and you're in my prayers. ALWAYS.
(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :(