If I were President

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I come before you in response to your constant harping about how I am not doing enough to diffuse the crisis in Egypt. Many complain about the United States 1.5 billion a year support given to Egypt for the last thirty years to a Marxist regime. Therefore as I stand before you tonight I address not only the USA but the world as well…So listen up!

I have grown tired of all this crap and we the United States will not take it anymore.

(gasp and ahhs from the reporters in attendance )

To all you world leaders across the globe, first; foremost and effective immediately I am ordering the halt of all foreign aid which totals into the trillions each year. I am also ordering the withdrawal and return of all American soldiers back to the United States where they will be stationed along our southern and northern borders to provide security for America.

I know that there will be many that will come forward and say we cannot do this as it will undo world stability. I say tough…deal with it. You may also say that if we were to do this then we would have to pay through the nose for oil imports which are vital to our way of life…not so. We have enough resources here within the USA to be self-sufficient within a year or two. So you now ask what we will do until we are…simple… Our American wheat has been shipped for years to desert kingdoms and other American hating countries for years free of charge as a form of humanitarian relief. However from this day forward nothing will be free. I will issue a directive ordering that all wheat for export will now be priced for sale based on the price of a barrel of oil. If they don’t like this, then let them eat oil.

By making moves such as this we will save trillions of dollars each year. We will be able to restore our crumbling cities. We can rebuild our infrastructure which is falling apart all across America. Instead of lining the pockets of corrupt puppet governments across the globe we will be investing in the people of America. We will feed our own and take care of our own. We are tired of supporting the world and when we do we only get criticized and hated by the very people that we are trying to help…well enough is enough. If you do not like it…TOUGH… that is NOW your problem.

If you want to kill each other off because you can’t get along with one another, again that is your problem. And to all you leftist and rightwing warmongers who say that such a move as this will open the United States up to attacks by terrorist from other countries…understand this and listen closely. I am speaking to all world leaders. If you or anyone so much as pops a firecracker on American soil with the intent to bring harm to one single American…I promise…you will be annihilated. No more will we be sending ground troops in to fight an unseen enemy. We will send planes and bomb you back to the Stone Age. So if you are of the persuasion that martyrdom will bring you closer to your god…then try us and I promise that we will give you a head start. Oh, I might add…when we come after you, it will not be a selective bombing campaign. It will be a campaign much like it was in World War II…bombed into submission or oblivion YOUR choice.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your time; I hope this will now answer all questions in regards to the direction of America. And to all you mamby pamby world leaders…allow me to end on a quote from a classic movie, ‘Network’....I’M MAD AS HELL, AND I AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT NO MORE…Have a nice day.

President J. Allen Wilson 2/1/2011