Mourning The Years

memories twist in my mind
swirling memories so painful
i beg God to help me not remember
and i think sometimes that dementia
though a thief, would be a welcomed relief
from wounds revisited, relived
from dull pain twisting in the gut of my soul

they say to forget the past.... who are they?
i'm still struggling to find a way to forget
sitting alone with my thoughts, and my pain
i've realize even my greatest joys
have been tempered with great sorrow
all my dreams deferred until other times
at the whims and/or needs of other people

while i drown in a whirlpool of memories
i have struggled and prayed to forget
and i try to decipher my own part in them
my own fault in them, was i compassionate
or a coward, too afraid to break free
from those things i knew would one day
become pain swelling, twisting in the gut of my soul

so again i mourn the years, the lost years
the rose cheeked hopes that died in infancy
aspirations stabbed with daggers of manipulation
the love squandered, the respect never proffered
and i vow to forget the past, for it is past
or can it ever really be over and forgotten
with its bitterness still in my mouth, its poison in my soul?

i mourn the years and cannot seem to lay them to rest