It's a fact. I have been out of alignment. My thoughts have not been lining up with words and actions; my mind and heart have been egregiously incongruent. Time to re-align. I don’t plan to speak or act unless it is from a congruent heart and mind. I am in the process of turning my Titanic, and she’s having a smoother transition now, these freezing waters being wildly deeply cathartic.

I have this tendency of immersing myself in others, in those I am learning to trust. Therein lies the trouble. I can and often do lose my compass bearing. Hearing negative bullets to the heart can close me up and send me into my shell to hide from the barrage. Safe is no way to live, but until I am fully recovered I can be too scared to re-emerge. Shame shudders and ripples through my whole being. I tend to live into the vision of those I am close to. I envision others in Divine Light. It hurts to be seen as full of failings. I’m such a baby about it, but I want to get and to give all that is good, all that is noble, all that is divine. Knowing and being known, to understand and to be understood, is the most beautiful experience. I crave that connection in all its expression.

When the curtain comes down, I want to be who I appear to be. I want to be close to people who can think relationally and find heartfelt solutions with me. I understand we do learn and grow from criticism. Yet having someone denigrate you as the weaker parts of yourself come to the fore is excruciating, gut-wrenching stuff. I take comfort in the fact that we all have issues, weaker parts. We all have to conquer ourselves and attempt that internal mountain. We can either do that with others aware of it (humility?) or we can can try to deflect everyone else's eyes (pride?) and the possibility of compassionate witnesses. Any worthy leader will tell you that needing to ask help from others is crucial to success. Woodrow Wilson said something I find amusing, "We should not only use all the brains we have, but all that we can borrow." I borrow and forget to return frequently.

Time heals only those hurts that are exposed, shared in some way with another, and understood. This is why I am choosing to reveal my vulnerabilities here. But to be fair, there are times to send that internal mean-girl packing as I was recently encouraged to do at a retreat by a Sage. I possess optimism, seeing and believing the best in people, and unfailing love and forgiveness. As long as I live and dream, I will keep building connections, keeping in alignment, until I do everything in love.