I feel as if I have been on a solo rock climb in this rock-solid world of shadow and light for so long. There have been peaks, yes, but so many places that I have been blocked, broken down, and I’m beginning to understand that is the point, isn’t it? To face the weaknesses that torment us, heal the wounds; change. And I do feel changed, forever. Changed as in more compassionate, unconditionally loving, transparent in my boundaries. But there is far to go and I am not a trembling spirit. The only way I can learn to be there for others, to truly live the prayer of St. Francis which is my fervent prayer each day, is to know these shadows as intimately as I know the light. The light requires no other object to exist. But the shadow – well that requires an obstacle to block the light. Shadows are the succubus that longs for the light and yet can never reach it because as its very nature it can only exist through the obstruction of the light.

My light is strong and clear, but I can become depressed, mind you, usually over loss of connections. That’s where I break down. There are ways through the valley of the shadow that become more navigable each time. Golden threads everywhere - in poetry, nature, music, each other’s eyes - anywhere there is love. But the shadow of the valley seems to deepen also, into a yawning precipice. The deeper I love and understand myself, the more self compassion, the deeper I need to connect, join with nature, to love others, and I do. I celebrate these aspects of my life, but still I tend to feel lonely, like a freak even. And it hurts. A desolate speck struggling on the mountain cliff.

Starlight isn’t always visible in a pitch black sky, obscured by those insidious clouds. It takes tremendous inner strength to be honest, especially with myself, but I’m doing it. I’m wandering around in new territory. Now I know I’m worthy of love and belonging, whereas an earlier me would have crouched in the shadows and let the light go by without noticing me. Or so I thought. But I’m strong now and my light is bright. Some days I cry from sadness and an inability to effect change in some profound ways, because for example of my loving nature. Standing on sacred ground is another. Difficulty with decisions is another, and a frustrating character flaw of mine, as well as is handing over my own will at times, and I fight this. I wonder why so many truths are buried beneath levels and levels of paradox? As I look out my window there’s the ice, covered with snow, and it’s being covered with another layer of rain. I want to go out and hit the pavement, but there is reason to take caution. Yet I am questioning caution in relationships, in life. I don’t want to avoid pain and seek only pleasure. No I think it best to leave all defenses behind…the backpack is too heavy and I am a lightweight. I long to see the spaciousness, openness that comes without encumbrances.

I need to be able to trust after being hurt, but I have found that people want something out of you. Very few want to laugh with you, and just be there building trust and closeness over time. If they do, they are the gems and never taken for granted, not by me. Where there is bright light there are always shadows. This seems to be the nature of things. I am committing my life to compassion. I am not moralistic. The idea of a right and a wrong way always melts into my desire to live out and to learn the art of peace. What truly heals is tenderness, spaciousness, light, a continual stream of loving intention. Even if I feel inextricably connected with another they may not feel that way toward me, and I understand, but I am not clinging to security. I would rather be exposed and open myself. The ledge falters, I let go and reach for a higher foothold.