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Blogs by Sudo Nym ~ Poet in Motion
Major Age Differences in Dating 8/26/2006 5:50:32 PM
Does age really matter when you're considering dating someone? Is it really different for men than women? And if so, why? As I mentioned in my last blog, I figured to really have an educated opinion about online dating I would have to give it a try. Amongst my experiences I came face to face with some age related issues.
Despite my overwhelming curiosity, the whole idea of posting an 'ad' in search of a date or two left me more than a little uncomfortable. However after a few glasses of wine and more than a few drafts and revisions I felt I had constructed a reasonable post...basically telling a little about myself and what I was looking for - and just like that - click and send - and I had waded into the online dating pool. I wasn't ready to take the high dive plunge. I did not post a picture. Also being new to this, I promised to reply to all emails. (I have since learned to avoid that mistake! It can make for more work than one realizes.)
Much to my shock and surprise, the responses came quickly and within 24 hours I had received about two dozen replies. A few more trickled in over the next few days. While I have to admit I found it initially flattering, it was too much, way too many! I initially scanned through them and tried to narrow down the list by replying with a polite "no thank you", to several.
One in particular, which brings me back to the title of this blog posting. His email stated he was 21 and based on our age difference (I was 43), I figured he would be an easy one to cut from the list. I sent a reply declining to meet with him to which he replied..."age is an arbitrary number based upon a false calendar system which does nothing to determine a person's true maturity and thus potentially creates a false preconception of an issue beyond one's immediate control." Despite a second attempt on my part to decline he responded by calling me "an ageist", and went on to say "Look, it is only a play, one can have friends of differing ages so come and talk with me." While I still held pretty firm to my belief that the age difference was too great and thus significant, I found myself questioning the basis of my belief against his comment. So to explore further I met him for coffee.
Again I found myself surprised by the things we actually had in common. He possessed a remarkable intellect and some rather profound philosophical viewpoints. I continued to attempt a debate with him regarding our age differences and specifically cited things like previous marriages and raising children. Both topics I felt would keep me on solid ground, as he had experienced neither. Yet he was reasonably prepared to further support his position. We did eventually part the road at my insistence. I just could not bring myself to entertain a relationship with a man his age. I have children older than him! However I left still questioning the basis of my opinions on this matter. If a person finds another attractive and they share similar interests, values and opinions - is it impossible to consider a romantic relationship, simply because of the age difference? And if so, why?
Last week I had the opportunity to discuss this with a male counterpart based on his views and experiences. He is 26 and currently exploring a relationship with a woman he met online that is 45 years old, divorced with two children, ages 16 and 18. A pretty fair test subject I thought so I asked him to talk to me about it. They met about a year and a half ago playing an online game. When the game folded he and this woman continued to chat via email for about six months. They live on separate coast lines. They recently met in person and have agreed to meet again. They had fun and truly enjoyed their visit. I asked him what he thought of the age discrepancy and he said they both knew the relationship could not be more than casual; because of age, distance, etc. but he sounded more uncertain overall. He also showed that he liked her and yet said he couldn't imagine talking to his family about it. They just wouldn't understand and they'd be too judgmental of his friendship.
So I am wondering, why is it that we deem age differences so important? And even more so, why is it somehow more acceptable for a man to date a younger woman than it is for a woman to date a much younger man? And even more quizzical to me personally because I, for the majority of my life, dated men 10-15 years my senior and yet I find the idea of dating a man 10-15 years my junior uncomfortable.
I went to a concert about a month ago and at the last minute invited a co-worker to go along with me. He is 27. As it turned out I arrived at the venue a little before he did and walked around for a bit. As I walked around alone, I noticed several men quite older than me, giving me flirting glances. By marked contrast, after my co-worker arrived and we walked around together, I noticed these same men looking at me disdainfully ~ including a few that appeared to be escorting younger women. Even though my 'date' and I were of such a wide age spread I have to admit I had a really great time. We talked straight through until morning and we both admitted a reciprocal attraction; whilst we used our work relationship as the excuse for refraining further pursuit. I found myself again questioning the age difference to which he seemed to accept more comfortably.
I resolve to accept I can't draw any reasonable conclusions. I guess it's because I believe it is too personal. Everyone has to decide for themselves. I think the situation may encounter challenges but so does any relationship. If two people really care for one another, age and age alone, should not stop them from pursuing a meaningful connection - keeping in mind, I AM referring to situations involving two mutually consenting adults - not under aged minors...
