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Blogs by David S Grant
The Airport Rant, part 2 9/27/2006 2:01:45 PM
Could it get worse? On the way to JFK my driver explains to me how the construction is making him crazy and that he just wants to say f.$% it. After we arrive at terminal two we realize this is not the correct terminal, apparently an airline with 5 letters, first one starting with a big D decided that they would just move and not let anyone else know. Arriving at terminal 3 my driver decides to ignore a stop sign and blow through a cross walk, prompting a police officer to run over to the car and scream at the driver who was by no means intimidated by the cop and began screaming back explaining how the stop sign has no business being there. We’re not even to the story yet.
During check-in I learn that my flight is delayed by 3 hours, already. The security line is a quarter mile long so I get in and it’s a good thing I was delayed because it took almost two hours to get through the line since people with wheelchairs get to cut ahead. Now I understand why, and I am sympathetic, but 14 wheelchairs? They really do need there own terminal. Oh, by the way, no, we haven’t gotten to the story yet.
After 4 hours we board. Because of “paper work” issues we sit in the plane for the next two hours. During this time the following happens:
- A woman with her cell phone calling the rental car company to update them on the status of the flight. I picture two guys stoned laughing each time she called.
- The pilot informing us that we have a “weight issue” and will need three passengers to volunteer to get off for 200 Delta dollars. What in the hell is a Delta dollar? Important to note that there are ten open seats so you try and figure out the math. One of the comedians on board said “Sounds like funny math to me!”. The plane exploded with laughter. It was a complete madhouse.
- The flight attendant who continued to laugh during the delay and repeating the phrase “That’s JFK for you”.
- The person next to me wearing an Ocean Pacific shirt listening to “Dream Police” by Cheap Trick so loudly on his iPod I had to put my hands over my ears to stop the insanity.
- The guy in the Hawaiian shirt (this a flight in the northeast in Sept) telling everyone how this delay doesn’t really affect him since he’s retired. I hope they lose his luggage.
- The couple debating whether to volunteer and get off the plane despite the fact that this would affect the husband’s fishing trip with his dad. “Dad will understand” he said. WOW, those Delta dollars must really be something.
- The pilot informing us that we have our volunteers, but there is another error on the paperwork so we have to wait another 20 minutes. No joke here.
- I doze off for a minute and have a brief dream involving monkeys with alien heads flying mini-planes and listening to Cheap Trick. I wake up choking myself.
- After receiving the new paperwork the pilot informs us that we’re going to try and make up a lot of the time lost during the delay. Five hours delayed, one hour flight, hmmm….ladies and gentlemen meet your pilot: SUPERMAN!!!
EDITORS NOTE: This was all that was found on this subject. We can only surmise that David’s plane either took off, or that he did in fact succeed in choking himself.
David S. Grant is the author of Corporate Porn, an alcohol and sandwich fueled romp through the darker side of corporate America and the lighter side of the adult film industry. Corporate Porn can be purchased at http://www.silverthought.com/davidgrant/ Check out his website: http://www.davidsgrant.homestead.com
