|
Blogs by Dorien Grey
When I was Who I was
10/15/2015 4:18:34 AM
When I was who I was, I was not satisfied. I took everything I had for granted and wanted more. Now that I am who I am, and no longer have what I had then, I look back in longing for it, and in self-recrimination for not appreciating what I had until I no longer had it. This seems to be an all-too-common human trait, and one which, if you do not yet understand, you surely will.
We tend to assume that life is just...there...all for us. When we are young, we firmly believe that we will be young forever. Life does not come with an instruction manual or a warrantee, and we totally ignore cautions of what lies ahead for us just as we ignore the tiny-print cautions that come on every bottle of aspirin. It is only much later that we begin to realize that life is not a gift, but a pay-as-you-go proposition, and that the cost goes up every year. It is not until we are well into our 30s or 40s or beyond that it begins to occur to us that the rules of mortality apply to us. The realization is like slowly being lowered into a bath of ice water.
We are far too easily distracted from where we are going by our real and perceived problems. Every human has problems—they’re a part of life. The vast majority are not life changing, though we tend to be exaggerate them in our minds because 1) they are our problems, and 2) we are having them now. Once they are past, they generally fade away to relative insignificance, to be replaced by newer problems. Life’s more serious problems, generally physical, tend to develop relatively later in life and, because we’ve tended to exaggerate the seriousness of lesser problems, we find them much more difficult to deal with.
Some species, like ants and bees, seem to share a common awareness. It would be nice if, even as we remained individuals, humans were privy to some sort of similar shared awareness of the true path of our life. Because we are locked within ourselves and spend every instant there, we are not aware of the changes going on within ourselves...the gradual change from who we were to who we are. Seeing ourselves in a mirror each day is an example of this phenomenon. Reflective surfaces reveal these changes, but do so so gradually as to be unnoticed. I, unlike most people, go to great lengths to avoid reflective surfaces out of my refusal to accept what I see there. I therefore can go for months without confronting myself. But when I do, because I do not have the "buffer" of incremental unawareness, I am painfully aware of the changes between what I see now and what I saw the last time.
I don't want to be who I am now. I want to be who I was, once. And the full awareness that I never will be, never can be, does not stop me from wanting, or reduce the intensity of that want. And yet I find myself slowly coming to what I hope to be an...accommodation...with myself. No matter how old we are, we are never going to get any younger, but by the same token, we are, at this moment, as young as we will ever be, and I am determined to enjoy whatever it is—and there is much—I have now. I can't do anything at all about the past, but I can have considerable control over my future. I can and do plan for the future (plans are a subtle form of self assurance that there will be a future. But by the same token, I try not to put off things I want to do by falsely assuming I will have "plenty of time" in which to do them. I may not, and this is as true of you as it is of me.
To say "time is precious" is to repeat one of the oldest and most overused of cliches. But cliches are the fortune cookies of truth. And I relate my awareness of the value of time to my habit of, when seeing a penny on the sidewalk, stooping to pick it up. Not because I need the money, but because like time, it is there, it has value, and it should not be wasted.
I will never be who I was when I was, but I'll do my best to be who I am as long as I am.
*****
Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday and Thursday. Please take a moment to visit his website (http://www.doriengrey.com) and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs (http://bit.ly/m8CSO1), which is also available as an audiobook (http://www.audible.com/pd/ref=sr_1_1?asin=B00DJAJYCS&qid=1372629062&sr=1-1)
Post a Comment
More Blogs by Dorien Grey
• The Case Against Acorns - Thursday, October 29, 2015
• On Growing Up Gay - Thursday, October 22, 2015
• Damned if you do, damned if... - Monday, October 19, 2015
• When I was Who I was - Thursday, October 15, 2015
• We Humans - Monday, October 12, 2015
• "Dear Dugbate:" - Thursday, October 8, 2015
• Who? What? When? Where? Why? How - Monday, October 5, 2015
• Friends and Lovers - Thursday, October 1, 2015
• Friends and Lovers - Thursday, October 1, 2015
• Friends and Lovers - Thursday, October 1, 2015
• Here Lies Common Sense - Monday, September 28, 2015
• Getting It - Thursday, September 24, 2015
• "How 'ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm,....?" - Monday, September 21, 2015
• E Unim Pluribus - Monday, September 14, 2015
• The Doll House - Thursday, September 10, 2015
• "Pay Attention!" - Monday, September 7, 2015
• Shells - Thursday, September 3, 2015
• A Letter From My Father - Monday, August 31, 2015
• Philosophies - Thursday, August 27, 2015
• The Child Within - Monday, August 24, 2015
• "Let's Pretend!" - Monday, August 17, 2015
• The Circles of "We" - Thursday, August 13, 2015
• Loves Park - Monday, August 10, 2015
• The Forest and the Trees - Thursday, August 6, 2015
• Let Me Count the Ways - Monday, August 3, 2015
• Perchance to Dream - Thursday, July 30, 2015
• Moods - Monday, July 27, 2015
• Sharing Dreams - Thursday, July 23, 2015
• The Diamond Lady - Monday, July 20, 2015
• Remembering - Thursday, July 16, 2015
• Flashbacks - Monday, July 13, 2015
• Dear Lord, But You're Dumb! - Thursday, July 9, 2015
• Ask Not - Monday, July 6, 2015
• Hey, Rube! - Thursday, July 2, 2015
• Hidden Costs? - Monday, June 29, 2015
• Greed - Thursday, June 25, 2015
• "i" before "e" - Monday, June 22, 2015
• Letting Go - Thursday, June 18, 2015
• Acceptance - Monday, June 15, 2015
• Delusion - Thursday, June 11, 2015
• Communication - Monday, June 8, 2015
• Goldilocks - Thursday, June 4, 2015
• Do Not Go Gentle.... - Monday, June 1, 2015
• Bees & Flowers, Progeny & Words - Thursday, May 28, 2015
• "What if..." - Monday, May 25, 2015
• The Chaos Kid - Wednesday, May 20, 2015
• The Endless Loop - Monday, May 18, 2015
• The Tinfoil Hat - Thursday, May 14, 2015
• The Losing Battle - Monday, May 11, 2015
• When Then Was Now - Thursday, May 7, 2015
• The Price - Monday, May 4, 2015
• Goulash - Thursday, April 30, 2015
• Obsession - Monday, April 27, 2015
• Over the Rainbow - Thursday, April 23, 2015
• The Past-Clinger - Monday, April 20, 2015
• Tar Bubbles - Thursday, April 16, 2015
• Remembering Fairdale - Monday, April 13, 2015
• Custodial - Thursday, April 9, 2015
• Odd Man Out - Monday, April 6, 2015
• Lives - Thursday, April 2, 2015
• The Boggling of the Mind - Monday, March 30, 2015
• "He Had a Hat!" - Thursday, March 26, 2015
• Marshmallow Man - Monday, March 23, 2015
• Chance, Coincidence, and Incredible Odds - Thursday, March 19, 2015
• Spam and "Jabberwocky" - Monday, March 16, 2015
• Except After "C" - Thursday, March 12, 2015
• "That Which I Should Have Done..." - Monday, March 9, 2015
• "They," "Them," and Me - Thursday, March 5, 2015
• The Fine Line - Monday, March 2, 2015
• "This, too...." - Thursday, February 26, 2015
• Idiots - Monday, February 23, 2015
• Weather or Not - Thursday, February 19, 2015
• Envy - Monday, February 16, 2015
• Grand Delusions - Monday, February 9, 2015
• Waste Not, Want Not - Thursday, February 5, 2015
• "Pretty" - Thursday, January 29, 2015
• Observing - Monday, January 26, 2015
• Lip Service - Thursday, January 22, 2015
• Seriously? - Monday, January 19, 2015
• You, Me, and Snowflakes - Thursday, January 15, 2015
• Boogeyman - Monday, January 12, 2015
• "You're Nothing!" - Thursday, January 8, 2015
• Egotism vs Egoism - Monday, January 5, 2015
• Small Flaws - Monday, December 29, 2014
• A Matter of Distance - Thursday, December 18, 2014
• Cliffhangers - Monday, December 15, 2014
• Logic and Fun - Thursday, December 11, 2014
• "I Hear the Mermen Singing...." - Monday, December 8, 2014
• Mantras and Acorns - Thursday, December 4, 2014
• The Doll House - Monday, December 1, 2014
• Thanotophobia - Thursday, November 27, 2014
• Moments and Times - Monday, November 24, 2014
• Rules to Live Buy - Thursday, November 20, 2014
• Stranger in a Strange Land - Monday, November 17, 2014
• The Learning Curve - Thursday, November 13, 2014
• Cassandra and Me - Monday, November 10, 2014
• Remembering the Future - Thursday, November 6, 2014
• Beyond Understanding - Monday, November 3, 2014
• Commercially Speaking - Thursday, October 30, 2014
• Little Boxes - Monday, October 27, 2014
• Ursula's World - Thursday, October 23, 2014
• When "Then" Was "Now" - Monday, October 20, 2014
• The Bouncing Ball - Thursday, October 16, 2014
• The Sound of Laughter - Monday, October 13, 2014
• Ah, If Ye Only Knew.... - Thursday, October 9, 2014
• Hourglass - Monday, October 6, 2014
• The Gourmet Chef - Thursday, October 2, 2014
• Of a Certain Age - Monday, September 29, 2014
• Once Upon a Town - Monday, September 22, 2014
• The Illusionist - Thursday, September 18, 2014
• Words as Food - Monday, September 15, 2014
• The King of Romania - Thursday, September 11, 2014
• Comparisons - Monday, September 8, 2014
• Ladies and Gentlemen - Thursday, September 4, 2014
• The Delusionist - Monday, September 1, 2014
• Running - Thursday, August 7, 2014
• "It was the best of times, ...." - Monday, August 4, 2014
• A Conversation with My Muse - Thursday, July 31, 2014
• Mr. In-Betweem - Monday, July 28, 2014
• On Memories - Thursday, July 24, 2014
• America's Voice - Monday, July 21, 2014
• "One Ringy-Dingy" - Thursday, July 17, 2014
• Thomas - Monday, July 14, 2014
• On Meeting Myself - Thursday, July 10, 2014
• Frustration - Monday, July 7, 2014
• The Broken Compass - Thursday, July 3, 2014
• Pondering the Imponderable - Monday, June 30, 2014
• Of Time and Blogs - Thursday, June 26, 2014
• "I Sing the Body Electric!" - Monday, June 23, 2014
• Slleep - Thursday, June 19, 2014
• Technology and Me - Monday, June 16, 2014
• Sing Me a Song - Thursday, June 12, 2014
• Lies - Monday, June 9, 2014
• Spare me! - Thursday, June 5, 2014
• Words Spoken, Words Written - Monday, June 2, 2014
• Name Dropping - Monday, May 26, 2014
• "Mine Enemy Grows Older" - Monday, May 19, 2014
• "Under God" - Monday, May 12, 2014
• Where There's a Will.... - Monday, May 5, 2014
• Logic Redux - Monday, April 28, 2014
• Understanding - Monday, April 21, 2014
• Writers and Readers - Monday, April 14, 2014
• Crapshoot - Monday, April 7, 2014
• Ingrate - Monday, March 31, 2014
• If - Monday, March 24, 2014
• My Father's Sun - Monday, March 17, 2014
• Little Boy Lost - Monday, March 10, 2014
• On Thinking - Monday, March 3, 2014
• Simple Rules - Monday, February 24, 2014
• A Book's Tale - Monday, February 17, 2014
• Compared to What? - Monday, February 10, 2014
• A Bologna Sandwich - Monday, February 3, 2014
• Delusions - Monday, January 27, 2014
• Silly - Monday, January 20, 2014
• Imprints - Monday, January 13, 2014
• If at first.... - Monday, January 6, 2014
• To Quote Popeye,... - Monday, December 30, 2013
• Once Upon a Co-Op - Monday, December 23, 2013
• "The Normal Heart" - Monday, December 16, 2013
• On Colds - Thursday, December 12, 2013
• On Being 80 - Monday, December 9, 2013
• Logic - Monday, December 2, 2013
• The Dictionary Schizophrenic - Monday, November 25, 2013
• Teeter-Totter - Monday, November 18, 2013
• I, Philistine - Monday, November 11, 2013
• The Haunted Mouse - Monday, November 4, 2013
• I Do Not Go Gentle... - Monday, October 28, 2013
• Hype - Monday, October 21, 2013
• Time Travel and Jim Crow - Monday, October 14, 2013
• The Herd - Monday, October 7, 2013
• "I," "Me," and "Everybody Else" - Monday, September 30, 2013
• That Which I Should Have Done, ... - Monday, September 23, 2013
• A Ticket to Ride - Monday, September 16, 2013
• Words Written, Words Heard - Monday, September 9, 2013
• The Kindness of Strangers - Monday, September 2, 2013
• "Oink" - Monday, August 26, 2013
• Old Bones - Monday, August 19, 2013
• Life on Banana Peels - Monday, August 12, 2013
• Priorities - Thursday, August 8, 2013
• Pitons - Monday, August 5, 2013
• Neutral - Monday, June 24, 2013
• Plannin' - Monday, June 17, 2013
• The Spider's Belch - Monday, June 10, 2013
• Ya' Know What I'm Sayin'? - Monday, June 3, 2013
• Antsy - Monday, May 27, 2013
• You and Me - Monday, May 20, 2013
• Hope, Love, and We - Monday, April 29, 2013
• Pureed Thoughts - Monday, April 22, 2013
• The Willing Eunuch - Monday, April 15, 2013
• "If" Past, "If" Future - Monday, April 8, 2013
• Habits, Routines, and Ruts - Monday, April 1, 2013
• Mind vs. Body - Tuesday, March 26, 2013
• Rejection - Monday, March 18, 2013
• A Box of Days - Monday, March 11, 2013
• Instructions - Monday, March 4, 2013
• Ya Know? - Monday, February 25, 2013
• Logic, Oh Logic! - Monday, February 18, 2013
• North - Monday, February 11, 2013
• Domesticity, Yet Again - Monday, February 4, 2013
• The Christmas Party - Monday, December 24, 2012
• "De Profundis" - Monday, December 17, 2012
• Squiggles and Strokes - Monday, December 10, 2012
• Validation - Monday, December 3, 2012
• Wastebaskets and Life - Monday, November 19, 2012
• Once Upon a Time in the Navy - Monday, November 12, 2012
• Love - Tuesday, October 23, 2012
• Russ - Monday, October 1, 2012
• Torquemada'll Get You... - Monday, September 10, 2012
• King Canute - Monday, September 3, 2012
• Oh, the Nobility! - Monday, August 27, 2012
• A Pile of Rocks - Monday, August 6, 2012
• The Doctor is In - Monday, June 25, 2012
• Splits - Tuesday, June 19, 2012
• Softie - Monday, May 28, 2012
• Time Was - Monday, May 21, 2012
• Oh, the Nobility!! - Monday, May 7, 2012
• The Demons Within - Monday, April 30, 2012
• At the Movies - Monday, April 16, 2012
• I Believe... - Monday, April 9, 2012
• Bubbly Creek - Monday, March 26, 2012
• Who IS That Man? - Monday, March 19, 2012
• Dangling Wires - Monday, March 5, 2012
• Trains - Monday, February 27, 2012
• Songs - Monday, February 20, 2012
• Love - Monday, February 6, 2012
• Mind Boggling - Monday, January 30, 2012
• Omaha - Tuesday, January 24, 2012
• The Doctor is In - Monday, January 9, 2012
• Laughter - Tuesday, December 27, 2011
• A Job From Hell - Monday, December 5, 2011
• Ophelia - Monday, November 14, 2011
• Acknowledgement, Acceptance, and Compulsion - Monday, October 31, 2011
• Homes - Monday, October 24, 2011
• Tar Bubbles - Monday, October 17, 2011
• Different Worlds - Monday, October 10, 2011
• Missed Boats - Monday, September 26, 2011
• Little Things - Monday, September 19, 2011
• Shiva - Monday, September 12, 2011
• One Plus One Equals...?? - Monday, September 5, 2011
• Matchmaker, Matchmaker - Monday, August 29, 2011
• Journey's End - Monday, August 22, 2011
• Last Day in Rome - Monday, August 15, 2011
• Wandering through Rome - Monday, August 8, 2011
• A Stroll Through the Forum - Monday, August 1, 2011
• All Railroads Lead to Rome - Monday, July 25, 2011
• Climbing Vesuvius - Monday, July 18, 2011
• Sorrento Notes - Monday, July 11, 2011
• The Pompeiians - Monday, July 4, 2011
• And On to Florence - Monday, June 20, 2011
• The Train to Italy - Monday, June 13, 2011
• Life in Paris - Monday, May 30, 2011
• Progress Report - Monday, May 23, 2011
• Bienvenue a Paris - Monday, May 16, 2011
• A Klutz in London - Monday, May 9, 2011
• To London, To London! - Monday, May 2, 2011
• Moments - Monday, April 25, 2011
• The Likes o' Me - Monday, March 7, 2011
• Movies - Monday, February 21, 2011
• "As ithers see us" - Monday, February 14, 2011
• Kittens and Puppies - Monday, February 7, 2011
• Jobs from Heck - Monday, January 31, 2011
• The Boggled Mind - Monday, January 24, 2011
• Kids' Play - Monday, January 10, 2011
• Ozymandius - Monday, January 3, 2011
• Ponderings - Monday, December 27, 2010
• Laughter - Monday, December 20, 2010
• On Impatience - Monday, December 13, 2010
• Speaking in Tongues - Monday, December 6, 2010
• Idiots - Monday, November 29, 2010
• Losin' It - Monday, November 22, 2010
• Trains - Monday, November 15, 2010
• On Being Strange - Monday, November 8, 2010
• Cracks in the Mirror - Monday, November 1, 2010
• Because - Monday, October 25, 2010
• Strike Up the Band - Monday, October 18, 2010
• Embarrassment - Monday, October 11, 2010
• As Ithers See Us - Monday, October 4, 2010
• The Way of the World - Monday, September 27, 2010
• Generations - Monday, September 20, 2010
• Letting Go - Monday, September 13, 2010
• K’nesheeshawna by Any Other Name - Monday, September 6, 2010
• Unforgiving - Monday, August 30, 2010
• For We Are a Simple People - Monday, August 23, 2010
• Seven out of Seven - Monday, August 16, 2010
• It is to Weep - Monday, August 9, 2010
• Reality and Perception - Monday, August 2, 2010
• Memory Games - Monday, July 26, 2010
• Mind and Body - Monday, July 19, 2010
• The Captain and the Ship - Monday, July 12, 2010
• Logic and the Lack Thereof - Monday, July 5, 2010
• Normal - Monday, June 28, 2010
• You Is or You Ain't - Monday, June 21, 2010
• The King of Klutz - Monday, June 14, 2010
• You & Me...& Everybody Else - Monday, June 7, 2010
• 3,993 Sundays - Monday, May 31, 2010
• Tears of Joy - Monday, May 24, 2010
• Pond Scum - Monday, May 17, 2010
• A Day at the Movies - Monday, May 10, 2010
• L'etat, C'est Moi! - Monday, May 3, 2010
• We Three - Monday, April 26, 2010
|
|
|
