Joseph W. Montaperto, click
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Blogs by Joseph W. Montaperto
LISTS 1/7/2020 7:18:57 PM
Why do people react so oddly to lists? LISTS are f***in' hilarious, man! I don't know why exactly - but lists FREAK people out. I mean, otherwise fairly sane, logical people - or so you would think. In any case, when people find their names on a list, no matter how random or nonsensical, they often react in pretty strange ways.
I remember once, while working at Integral Yoga Natural Foods back in the 80's - I introduced this completely random 'nut list'. Hysterical results. It all started innocently enough. Me and my co-worker/friend were in the warehouse, stocking up bulk goods to bring around the corner to the store, and to pass the time and have a good laugh, we start talking about who the nuttiest people in the store were. It was just for laughs, y'know? That was it.
OR so I thought.
So a couple of nights later, we're closing up the store, and, somehow, the nut list comes up. As if it's something VERY official. I'm enjoying watching people's reactions to it, so I just randomly start assigning 'numbers' to people.
"Oh, I'm sorry Ananda - you're number 1."
Hate to tell you this, Shiva, but you were number 2"... and so on.
I'm very somber about the whole affair - and people just start going CRAZY, man! People storming off in a huff, others becoming depressed and despondent - the whole gamut of emotions.
There is a spectacular uproar, in particular, when I inform the increasingly hostile crowd that, Fumilaya, a stately African woman who works the register is excluded from 'the list' - because she is 'well dressed'.
"What?! Because she is well dressed?! What the-"
It's like a mob mentality now - even thought none of this MAKES any sense. When I blame the whole thing on Rob, my co-worker, who actually knows nothing of 'the list', the crowd becomes even more defiant and bloodthirsty, and begins galvanizing to flood the streets, wanting to string Rob up, in an act of vengeance.
Now, fast forward to 1998 at a particularly monotonous catering job somewhere in upstate New York. I'm even more bored and numb than usual, so while doing dinner serve out, I start somberly going up to random waiters, and informing them:
"You're on the list."
There faces drop. But we can't talk anymore till dinner serve out is finished. Immediately upon finishing, a group of them surround me, fear in their hearts and eyes.
"What list?!"
"Waiters who love catering too much." I reply.
"What?! I don't love catering!! What do you mean?!"
"I HATE catering! Where is this list?!"
Again - an outraged uproar. As if there actually IS an 'official list'.
Hahahahaha.
Finally, I inform Sarah (this rather nutty girl who probably really DOES love catering) that, much to my dismay, she is #1 on 'the list'.
"What?! Why should I be number 1?! I don't love catering! James loves catering MUCH more than I do! This is SO distressing!"
"I'm sorry, Sarah, I didn't create the list - I'm only the messenger..."
No matter. She is BESIDE herself with anger and resentment. She was never very fond of me in the first place, but NOW she can't even look at me.
The most HILARIOUS aspect of this whole absurd debacle, though? It's when the two buses that brought us up here from the city, pull up to bring us back. Within minutes, however, our bus breaks down - and we have to wait for the other bus to rescue us. As fate, or horrifying coincidence would have it, the only seat left on the bus for me is right next to - Sarah. Thoroughly inebriated at this point, I then proceed to fall ASLEEP on her shoulder!! Her face is a mix of incredulity and torment - and there my head lays for the rest of the trip!!
I kid you not!!
