I am asking for directions in this new world you have created.

My part is like the dream where I find myself
on stage, unprepared, unable to remember my lines.
Naked.
All eyes upon me.
And I am lost and confused and frightened
and not myself.

I cannot remember what it feels like to not feel my heart pound
with the fear that refuses to quiet.
It stalks me in the down time between
dinner dishes and David Letterman
and haunts my dreams with distorted images
and restless sleep.

I cry
when no one sees me
or hears me,
quickly washing away the evidence
of my sadness,
bottling it up inside me
to keep the world from knowing
how frightened
how lonely
how weak
I truly am.

It will not do for this strong woman
to give in to powerlessness.

You toy with me.
You must know how I feel for you,
how I have always felt for you
even in the midst of your betrayals and
daggers to my heart.

I cannot hate you.
Though I have tried to summon the hate
it lasts only brief moments before
dissipating like fog before the morning sun.

My solution is to run far away,
yet the fear of beginning again tears at me.
My bigger fear is of never getting over you,
never letting go, never letting anyone else in.
My prayer is for the bigger fear to wash away
the smaller one, carrying me to new places
in its cleansing tide.

For that I may hate you.
I must give up my home,
my friends,
my job,
all that I have known
and loved for most of my life
To begin again.
Alone.
With no direction.

Again, I ask you for directions,
knowing you will give none.

My answer to myself must simply be –
"Go forward,"
and knowing the destiny
of Lot’s wife,
"Do not look back."